"Aw, she's sweet," said Simon after Fabia made her bashful introduction. About 10 seconds later she was waving her giant naked boobs in the air, forcing him to reconsider his initial judgement. It was only the presence of some tactful, computer generated Union Jack flags that prevented a national panic. The voluptuous Fabia actually got as far as the semis, with a little help from some nipple tassels.
Everyone loves a bit of danger on BGT, but no one wants to see an OAP do some serious damage to himself. So when Mike Henderson took to the stage and performed a handstand while holding onto two carving knives, all while balancing his face over another, we had to shut our eyes so hard it hurt. It all got a bit too much for Amanda too, who ran off in horror.
Describing himself as a "performing flatualist" before adopting the "farting position", the most off-putting thing about Mr Methane was the way he talked us through his act like a weasely office drone giving a Powerpoint presentation. Actually that's a lie: the most off-putting thing about Mr Methane was that he liked to fart, at length, into a microphone, on national television. Simon wasn't wrong: "You are a disgusting creature".
Forty-eight year old Peter Coghlan, aka Mamma Trish, actually managed to make Mr Cowell giggle when he quipped "we can all be a bit camp, Simon!" But Simon's smile soon vanished when the drag queen whipped off his top and started jiggling his rather large belly to Holly Valance's Kiss Kiss. Things got even cringier when she sampled her own bellybutton fluff.
Not wishing to generalise or anything, but power tools are generally best applied to wood and metal. Rather than, say, the human body. But Victoria Armstrong was more than happy taking an angle grinder to her person, causing massive sparks to whoosh up from strategically placed bits of metal. The net effect was very entertaining, if obviously deranged.
The clue was in the name with Dr Gore. Even the most hardened horror fan (let alone Amanda Holden) would have been perturbed by his antics, which included cutting a woman's tongue out and sawing someone in half with a chainsaw, with blood splattering everywhere. But the scariest thing of all was Piers Morgan, who was worryingly delighted by all the slaughter.
Britney Spears impersonator/obsessive Lorna Bliss had one of the most dramatic auditions of all time, appearing in a body stocking akin to the one her idol wore in a famous video. And despite being found Toxic (geddit?) by the judges, she did get a fair way into the competition. Looks like the £15,000 she spends a year on looking like Britney was worth it…
Forklift truck driver Jeff's odd looking nose bandage was very quickly forgotten once the Wigan lad's act began. He'd told the judges he's be singing, but also decided to throw in an unexplainable strip show to boot. Our eyes will never recover from seeing a grown man wearing an elephant sock on his privates while skipping and singing Nelly The Elephant.
Those BGT judges, eh? They loved Dr Gore, but poor old Nick Hell – who was essentially the same sort of act – was regarded with such undisguised hatred by Simon Cowell that we half expected him to go up on stage and make Nick's self-drilling trick just a tad more real. Maybe the long dangling earlobes were too much for our poor judges to bear…
When pensioner Joan whipped off her raincoat to reveal fish nets and a leotard, then proceeded to climb onto a bed of nails while her neighbour Jim stood on her back we winced with horror. If that wasn't bad enough, the 74-year-old then pulled out a sledgehammer and smashed a slab of concrete (which was resting on Jim's back) into pieces. Simon was shocked by the whole sorry mess, simply saying, "What we just saw was you torturing each other".
If you're going to have a pointless talent, it might as well be a really weird and nauseating one. Step forward Stevie Starr, the Regurgitator. He appalled/impressed/grossed-out the nation with his ability to swallow and then regurgitate coins, balls, and jewellery in an admittedly incredible way. Is he for real? Is it just an illusion? Forget it, we don't want to know.
Circus of Horrors
A mad clown man, strange random tribal dancers, a fire-breathing dwarf, a woman who was dangled from the ceiling by her hair, not to mention a guy who looked like he belonged in a gang from Mad Max… the Circus of Horrors lived up to their billing, and didn't even have to resort to gallons of fake blood in their audition either. Now that truly is shocking.
The Cheeky Boys
Say what you like about the Cheeky Girls – at least they have the decency not to be naked old men. Which is more than can be said for this lot. We're particularly disturbed by the guy on the far left, who looks like he should be heading a public school or dozing in front of Songs of Praise, not cavorting around with only a balloon to hide his modesty. The nation's eyes can never be clean again.
Larger than life Essex lad Antonio Popeye promised an eye popping performance but we didn't think he actually meant that literally. Everyone's stomachs were seriously churning as the 47-year-old preceded to do very peculiar things with his peepers all while gyrating to Shaggy's Mr Boombastic. What was even more peculiar though, was that the Hoff, Amada and Michael McIntyre put the guy, and his bulging eyes, through.
Is dog-singing a talent? Edelweiss Warby certainly thought so and even went so far as to tell the judges they'd definitely be "pleasantly surprised" by her act. Dressed in a gold gown, she barked, howled and whimpered her way through a rendition of Phantom Of The Opera while the audience booed and Simon simply sat there all smug-faced.
Beatrix Von Bourbon
Simon Cowell couldn't hide his huge smile when sexy burlesque dancer Beatrix Von Bourbon arrived on stage in a red air stewardess outfit. Keen to show off her assets, the very racy performer stripped down to nipple tassels in no time - problem was this was way before the watershed. However, despite a prompt Ofcom investigation, ITV avoided being in the naughty books.
Mum of three Anya Sparks certainly surprised the judges with her almost-let-it-all-hang-out Britney Spears' Toxic routine. When asked where she'd been practicing her moves, she told the bemused looking judges: "I really let rip in the house while dusting". Simon's face was a picture, and he not only slammed down his buzzer, but Amanda's and Pier's too.
Bulgarian 56-year-old Magdalena Stoilova described her act as "extreme contortion" and the socket-popping body bending lass wasn't wrong. At one point she actually sat on her own head. It was too much for Amanda and David Walliams who grimaced and winced through her routine, while Alesha commented, "I loved it and it made me cringe all at the same time".
Ruby Red Strippers
A group of 12 ladies aged between 25 and 65 wearing modest 50s housewife dresses is hardly shocking stuff. In fact it looked like it was going to be yet another silly performance when the ladies started awkwardly swaying, completely out of time, to Queen's Break Free. Then the tempo changed, and the girls got their dance on proper and their clothes off. There were nipple tassels aplenty, and Simon's face was a picture.
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