Who will win the Superhero World Cup? Round 1 | Virgin Media
Who will win the Superhero World Cup? Round 1

Who will win the Superhero World Cup? Round 1

01/08/2016Movies

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The superhero squabbling in Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice (available now on Virgin Movies) got us thinking: if all the major movie superheroes really did enter into a fighting tournament, who would come out on top? Join us as we dare to dream how a Superhero World Cup might play out. Who will win? Who will crash out in the first round? Who will fail a drugs test? Find out all this and more by reading on!

We picked the 32 most popular screen superheroes (sorry Billy Zane's The Phantom, there's no room for you here) and pit them against one another in the field of fictional combat. We're not 12 years old. You're 12 years old. Shut up. Let the first round of super-fighting commence!

Round 1

Wolverine vs The Flash

What happens when an unstoppable force hits an immovable object?

What happens when an unstoppable force hits an immovable object?

Hot favourite Wolverine has this one in the bag from the off. The Flash is quick, but speed wins you races, not fights. As soon as Barry Allen gets close to his enemy, the knives are out: red lycra shish kebab is on tonight's menu.

Winner: Wolverine

Hawkeye vs Captain America

The ‘A’ stands for ‘Awesome’, doesn’t it?

The ‘A’ stands for ‘Awesome’, doesn’t it?

The first round seeding throws up our first Avenger on Avenger clash, but Captain Rogers was always going to outrank Clint Barton in the beat down stakes. Hawkeye's arrows can't help but hit the target of Cap's bullseye-esque shield and bounce right off: Cap's righteous uppercut makes this hawk an endangered species.

Winner: Captain America

Professor X vs Nick Fury

Battle of the baldies!

Battle of the baldies!

Charles Xavier can see into your thoughts and read your mind; Nick Fury, on the other, can barely see and has very poor depth perception. The Prof delves into Fury's brainbox and roots out a killer blow: the fact that the publicly very angry S.H.I.E.L.D. boss is a secret Keeping Up With The Kardashians fan. The shame is too much: Fury bails, tear in his eye.

Winner: Professor X

Blade vs Groot

Hooked on a seedling

Hooked on a seedling

Old school Marvel vampire hunter Blade has the sass and the attitude, but he's a fossil compared to the new school of Marvel hero. Halfway through a gravel-voiced one-liner, Blade gets smacked in the face by a ten-tonne tree and never wakes up. “I am Groot!” crows the winner, Groot.

Winner: Groot

Batman vs Scarlet Witch

Why so serious?

Why so serious?

An interesting match-up: can tech and money really compete with voodoo hexes and mindcontrol? Answer: yes, because he's the goddamn Batman. Scarlet Witch doesn't even so much as twiddle her little finger before Batman has her prone and out for the count. The bat is victorious. He sulks.

Winner: Batman

Mystique vs Wonder Woman

Why so blue, Mystique

Why so blue, Mystique

Cat-fight! Me-ow! These kitties have cl-OH MY GOD they are really going at it. Mystique's shape-shifting ability is indeed impressive, but the end result is the X-Men rookie getting a dozen different asses kicked by Themyscira's finest. Wonder Woman also wins the competition of best theme tune.

Winner: Wonder Woman

Deadpool vs Daredevil

Whoever wins, we’re still Team Red

Whoever wins, we’re still Team Red

Class clown Deadpool squares off against dour defender Daredevil, protector of Hell's Kitchen and scourge of the city's crime, yada yada yada. Before Daredevil has even landed a blow with his billy club, Deadpool mercilessly mocks the blind crusader's 2003 screen outing. “That wasn't me!” yells Daredevil. “That was Ben Affleck!” The judges confer: “We'll allow it.” No contest: Daredevil is disqualified for past crimes against cinema.

Winner: Deadpool
 

Watch Daredevil now, available on Netflix

Aquaman vs The Thing

Who will be sleeping with the fishes tonight?

Who will be sleeping with the fishes tonight?

There's controversy before this first round match even begins. Drawn at home, Aquaman demands the fight be held on his turf: at the bottom of the ocean. Despite his protests, The Thing has no choice but to comply and jumps in. He sinks to the bottom and drowns. The fans demand their money back.

Winner: Aquaman

Green Lantern vs Jessica Jones

“What’s the Lantern up to these days?” “He’s pretending to be Deadpool”

“What’s the Lantern up to these days?” “He’s pretending to be Deadpool”

Sure, Hal Jordan has a magic lantern and a power ring from outer space that lets him conjure up a big green version of anything he can put his mind to... Yeah, and? Jessica Jones's snark puts the Lantern's light out. “People binge watch my show,” she brags. “People just throw up when they watch you.” The Justice League star has no reply: his shameful first round exit is that 'blackest night' he's always going on about.

Winner: Jessica Jones


Watch Jessica Jones now, available on Netflix

Black Widow vs Cyborg

Beware the Black Widow

Beware the Black Widow

An epic mismatch. Black Widow brings huge feminist fan support, years of experience and five massive Marvel movies under her belt. Cyborg's movie doesn't even get released until 2020. It's over in seconds. “At least... kids will be able... to buy my action figure...” croaks the defeated half-man half-machine, fully aware Black Widow toys are a rare sight on shop shelves. “Your dumb movie probably won't even come out,” replies Romanoff. KO!

Winner: Black Widow

Hulk vs War Machine

“Hulk no want smash! Hulk want girlfriend!”

“Hulk no want smash! Hulk want girlfriend!”

Hulk smashes War Machine to bits before the bell has even rung. Someone explain the rules to this guy. The bookies start paying out already.

Winner: Hulk

Vision vs Agent Carter

These picture captions lack Vision – until now!

These picture captions lack Vision – until now!

Cosmic know-it-all Vision mansplains the universe to flesh-and-bone badass Peggy Carter, who plays dumb enough to lull him into a false sense of security. Buoyed by his apparent victory, Vision lets it go to his head: the synthetic lothario starts hitting on Agent Carter, and after a few flashes of her lashes, she starts hitting back. Hard. Right in his synthetic nards. It's a major upset, but breaking down barriers is all in a day's work for Agent Carter.

Winner: Agent Carter

Black Panther vs Rocket Raccoon

Cat versus rodent-type thingy!

Cat versus rodent-type thingy!

What promises to be a feral match-up soon descends into farce when T'Challa begins chasing Rocket Raccoon around on all fours like some mad Marvel Tom & Jerry cartoon. The chase ends abruptly when the intergalactic bin meddler pulls out a gun that's eight times the size of him and neutralises every atom in his enemy's body. Groot applauds from the sidelines.

Winner: Rocket Raccoon

Ant-Man vs Thor

What if Ant-Man was in all of the MCU movies all along, and we just couldn’t see him?

What if Ant-Man was in all of the MCU movies all along, and we just couldn’t see him?

This Avenger vs Avenger tie sounds promising on paper, if a little one-sided. Thor is the Norse God of Thunder and carries a magic hammer. Ant-Man is friends with insects. However, size is everything: Scott Lang miniaturises and as Mjolnir swings and misses, Ant-Man plants a knockout blow right on Thor's perfect kisser. Strike one up for the little guy! Go back to Asgard and prepare for Ragnarok, loser!

Winner: Ant-Man

Superman vs Falcon

Not even a Falcon Punch could stop the Man of Steel

Not even a Falcon Punch could stop the Man of Steel

“Oh, you can fly? Cute,” says Superman, as he bores a hole through Sam Wilson's sternum with his laser vision from a thousand feet in the air, just five seconds into the bout. Wow. Superman is really taking those bad reviews to heart, it seems.

Winner: Superman

Iron Man vs Spider-Man

“Aww, and they got on so well in Civil War too!"

“Aww, and they got on so well in Civil War too!"

It's an epic face-off: A-grade Avenger versus wall-crawling webhead. The banter alone promises to be off the bant-o-meter! Both were much fancied before the draw pitted them against one another, but Iron Man tags a slippery Spider-Man with a few high-energy repulsor blows and ends yet another misguided mission to avenge Uncle Ben. Marvel execs in the crowd make furious notes: 'Make Iron Man fight more guys' says one.

Winner: Iron Man

Watch the ultimate superhero smackdown in Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice on Virgin Movies.  To watch, press Home on your Virgin Media remote, then On Demand > Movies.