With The Girl On The Train and Train To Busan both pulling in to Virgin Central Station aka Virgin Movies this month, it’s a dangerous time to be travelling by rail. So we’ve put together a checklist to help you survive even the most arduous movie train trip. All aboard!
Mind your own business
In The Girl On The Train, Emily Blunt’s track-based troubles begin when she confronts a happy couple she sees from her carriage window, leading to a sequence of events that ends violently for more than one of them. Avoid similar entanglements by ignoring your surroundings and burying your nose in a good book. Maybe The Girl On The Train?
Find The Girl On The Train in On Demand > Movies > Virgin Movies
Beware the zombie apocalypse
In fairness this advice applies to most situations, not just train journeys, but you don’t want to be stuck on a train when the undead start to outnumber the living, as happens to the unfortunate passengers of the Train To Busan. Best thing to do is keep an eye on the news, be deeply suspicious of your fellow travellers and prepare to sacrifice loved ones. Also, tool up.
Find The Train To Busan in On Demand > Movies > Virgin Movies
Don't talk to strangers
Innocent-sounding chit-chat with another passenger might sound like the polite thing to do, but for Strangers On A Train’s Farley Granger it ends in blackmail, murder and a ruined evening at the funfair after he makes conversation with Robert Walker’s psychopath. It’s very simple: never talk to anyone on a train ever. EVER.
Know your exits
You know when you’re trapped on a train that’s about to self-destruct with a sexy computer programmer who’s triangulating the source of a hacker who’s helping a supervillain hold the world to ransom? Well James Bond does in GoldenEye; that’s why he fashions an escape route using his convenient laser watch. You probably don’t have a laser watch, so our advice? Just sit near a door.
Be aware of your fellow passengers
It’s good to check out who’s boarding the train - you don’t want to get stuck next to that guy talking loudly on his phone about touching base with Nigel. This was Harry’s mistake in Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban: before he knew it he had dementors all up in his grill sucking out his joy. Should’ve put his bag on the seat next to him, they’d have soon moved on.
Find The Complete Harry Potter Collection in On Demand > Movies > Virgin Movies
Keep a hoverboard handy
Your train is out of control, you’re rescuing a damsel in distress and you’re speeding towards a ravine with an unfinished bridge. We’ve all been there. But thanks to Back To The Future Part III, we know that a convenient hoverboard slipped to us by a pal in a time machine in front of the train is the best hope of survival. Something to think about when you’re packing your bag in the morning.
Back To The Future Part II is available now on Sky Cinema
Make sure you’ve packed everything
Speaking of packing your bag, it’s often best to let someone else do it for you, like Q. That way, if a SPECTRE agent tries to garotte you in your carriage, as happens to Bond in From Russia With Love, you can retrieve that throwing knife from your briefcase and jam it in his arm, allowing you to turn the tables. Shimple!
Sharpen your problem-solving skills
There’s every chance you might need to come up with an inventive way to stop your train being derailed, as happens to Buster Keaton several times in The General. So keep your wits about you, use whatever comes to hand and be the hero your fellow passengers need right now, if not the one they deserve.
Stay inside the train
Seems obvious, but it really does pay not to clamber onto the exterior of your train while it’s in motion, particularly if it’s going insanely fast, heading into a very long tunnel and/or there’s an exploding helicopter attached to the back of it. Tom Cruise failed to follow this advice in Mission: Impossible, and it ruined his shirt.
Mission: Impossible is available to stream now on Netflix
Don’t run out of track
OK, there’s not a lot you can do about this, but a shortage of actual rails on which to drive a train will put a real crimp in your journey - just ask John Reid and Tonto in The Lone Ranger. The best thing you can do in this situation is write a stern letter of complaint to the rail operator and hope they action it before you get impaled by a flying connector rod.