Phew. That's a lot of negativity about the latest iteration of a series I absolutely adore.
It can't all be bad, right? Well, when you do manage to get a period of smooth play, you'll love it - it feels like beautiful, classic PES.
The best football game engine the world has ever seen has undergone a few, subtle tweaks, but nothing has been implemented that will fundamentally change the way you play the game.
PES fans will instantly feel at home, and it'll not take you more than half-an-hour before you're spraying cross-field passes and splitting the opposition's defence in two with killer lofted through balls like a Brazilian master.
We've heard a lot about the new Teamvision system, a sophisticated AI that adapts to how you play to stop you running riot. Well we didn't notice the computer adapting to our play style. On the hardest difficulty level, the game is very hard, as you'd expect.
But my tried and trusted tactic of playing long balls out to wingers who then cut inside for cool finishes seems to work just as well as it always did. An over-hyped learning AI notwithstanding, it's a definite improvement on last year's disappointing Pro Evolution Soccer 6, that's for sure.
It's harder to tackle. Pressing the dribbler with X gives away fouls more often, and slide tackles need to be absolutely spot on, or you'll get a red card from the totalitarian refs.
"One of the first things you'll do in PES 2008 is head straight for the game settings to turn off the background music. It'll be one of the best decisions of your life."
Players keep hold of the ball much easier, and feel like they carry more weight. It's much easier to go past players now. You can get away from players once you've done them like a kipper too. Unlike in the last game, fast players are actually fast.
The engine has been changed so that now the camera view doesn't always change when the ref is giving out a card, or you get fouled and take a quick free kick. This is a lovely touch that ads to the pace and flow of an average match. One thing that does annoy, however, is having to wait for the ref's whistle before taking free-kicks. It causes unnatural and annoying stops in play.
The keepers have been altered too. In the last game, lots of goals were scored because keepers parried shots into the paths of onrushing attackers, something that drew a lot of complaints from PES's vocal fanbase.
The commentary is hugely improved. In fact, it's the best ever in a PES game. We've now got John Champion and Mark Lawrenson casting their critical eye on proceedings. Love them or hate them, the commentary is well up with play, with Champion doing a great job of sounding genuinely excited if there's a chance.
Ah, but then there's the music. The music in PES has always been bad. But the music in PES 2008 is quite possibly the worst I've ever heard in a video game.
Let me give you some sample lyrics from a piece of original music in the game (you have to imagine this with a Status Quo-type punk rock riff): "Football, soccer, football, soccer, football, soccer, all around the world. Football, soccer, football, soccer, football, soccer, Greatest game of all!"
So, one of the first things you'll do in PES 2008 is head straight for the game settings to turn off the background music. It'll be one of the best decisions of your life.
Diving. Yes, you can dive in PES 2008, by pressing L1, L2 and R1 together. This new feature has split fans right down the middle. Konami say it's reflective of how football is in real life. But nobody likes diving, right? It's cheating.
Our view? We reckon Konami should have concentrated more on getting the game running properly on PS3 than putting in dodgy new features.
What's most disappointing about PES 2008 on PS3 is that if it wasn't crippled by its technical problems, it would one of the best Pro Evolution Soccer games ever made. It would certainly be an improvement on last year's next-gen effort.
PES fans can forgive the poor graphics, the God-awful music, the embarrassing presentation and lack of licensed teams, because the core of the game is so mind-bogglingly brilliant. PES fans have been doing this for so many years, that they even forgive the odd bit of slowdown, too. But, I'm afraid to say, PES 2008 on PS3 is unforgivable.
PES executive producer Shingo 'Seabass' Takatsuka himself has said that he was "shocked" at the PS3 slowdown and that he doesn't have a clue why it's happening. Unfortunately this won't cut it for gamers who have forked out hundreds of pounds for a PS3, a platform that is supposed to be the most powerful console in the world.
It is with a heavy heart, a heart that has been in love with Konami's brilliant football series for longer than I can remember, that I cannot recommend PES 2008 on the PS3 over FIFA 08 on the same console.
But what about Xbox 360? Read the review here
PS3 rating: 
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