Gruesome truths about birth

Water works If you’re unlucky enough for your waters to break outside of hospital expect to be taking your knickers in, packed lunch style. The midwife will want at least a look, if not a good sniff, of the offending material.

There is no dignified way to give birth. And in fact the most productive ways to labour seem to be the ones which require the most exposure of your backside. Which would be the least of your worries except…

Midwives, student midwives, doctors, student doctors, consultants, anaesthetists, cleaners. You’d think birth would be a private experience but in many hospitals you’ll feel rather, er - exposed.

‘I’ve never seen so much vomit in my whole life, it came out like a fire hose,’ says our midwife of a recent birth, ‘we get poo, puke, blood, wee and any other bodily fluid going.’ And she’s not just talking about babies.

If you choose an episiotomy instead of tearing naturally (what a choice eh ladies?) the reality of being cut is not in the least pleasant, particularly for your midwife. Ours tells us ‘it makes this sound like cutting in to raw chicken.’