Becoming dad

Imminent fatherhood can be one of the most daunting and emotional experiences a man will ever experience. Men have to support and reduce the emotional load on the expectant mother as much as they can, and deal with their own changing emotions and expectations - becoming a father can be a stressful and life-changing experience. Then, later in life, there comes a subsequent change - becoming a "dad". We're not talking about welcoming another baby into the world - we’re talking about the moment at which you start tutting at bassy music, stop realizing when patterns on jumpers are too big or gaudy, and realise that yes, policemen are looking young nowadays.

Here are the first three signs of "dadness":
1. The pipe and slippers In the health-conscious 21st century, the pipe - the ultimate dad cliché - is frowned at from pretty much all corners. However, there has to be a reason why men of a certain age prefer the milder aroma of a good bowlful of rough shag to three or four chain-smoked rollies... Like the slippers, it’s most likely to do with comfort; dadhood comes with age, the desire for warmth and smoothness and also an appreciation of the finer things in life. Dads of the world, take up your pipes - even if you don’t want to smoke them, use them to point at things in the garden, like your new shed and so on. It’s what your dad would have wanted.
2. You can’t make out the words And they’re all violent nonsense, anyway. Pop music is a product of youthful society’s mores, obsessions and conceptions, and as you lose touch with them, the cultural references to them become baffling and irrelevant. Furthermore, your hearing changes. Scientists have developed a sonic teenager deterrent - The Mosquito - which drives gangs of youths away from businesses. People over the age of 20 can’t hear it. Nowadays, musicians are using it to create melodies only the young can hear. If this doesn’t make you feel old, nothing will.
3. I don’t know, your mother bought it for me Fashion is a fickle beast and can require a lifetime’s attention to understand and follow fully. Why would you want to bother when there are more important things to consider, such as a new Screwfix catalogue or a television programme with that lovely Sarah Beeny in it? But psychologically, there may be a reason why men choose to forsake their sartorial sense after a certain age. Putting it bluntly, attracting a mate is far less important now you've spawned. While peacocks put on a colourful display to attract the opposite sex, a man starts to wear jumpers with reindeers or boats knitted onto them to say "I don’t have to care any more, look at someone else please". Embrace this. Resist the urge to buy leather trousers or get your ear pierced. People will respect you more for it. Apart from your kids…