Dear Jenni...
I have been with my partner for 10 years, I live in my home and he lives in his. He is a habit man. He sees me only on Thursdays and Saturdays when we go out, and in the week he pops in to see me. I feel we are going nowhere. Although we don't want marriage, I would like to settle down with him but I know it will never happen. I sometimes feel like having an affair to liven things up, what do you think?
Jenni says...
"A relationship is like a shark, if it doesn't keep moving forward it dies..." I am not saying your relationship has died, or is about to but - I am going to say you have to do something - anything. You have been with this man for ten years and it sounds as if there has not been a huge amount of moving forward going on. Ten years is a long time to still be living in separate places.
Yes I have known many people who have arrangements like that and both parties are happy but somehow I get the feeling that you're not at all satisfied with the state of play. You seem resentful of the fact that he controls the how and when of your time together. You mention wanting to settle down but yet you "know it will never happen". Why is that? Actually I agree with you in that it does sound like it won't happen but if that's what you really, really want and you are positive it isn't going to happen - well I think you came to me with your answer in hand.
Your last sentence is the one that upsets me the most. No you most certainly should not 'have an affair to liven things up'. Two wrongs will never in this lifetime make a right. If you feel the relationship is not working for you then you have two choices - fight for it, or fly from it. Sit down and make a list of the things in the relationship that you aren't happy with. Come up with some possible solutions that would be amenable to both of you. Share them with him and hopefully you can create a relationship that works well for both parties involved.
