How much thought actually went into that title, we wondered? You've made a movie. It's time to name your movie. Your movie stars a man as a character that has a name. Is it quitting time yet? Sometimes naming a movie is as simple as slapping a dude's name on the poster and ordering the Appletinis in advance. Before Jason Bourne’s reawakening, we thought it high time we ranked movies named after men in order of badassness, because what else? Grrr. MEN.
20. Simon Birch (1998)
Sounds like: The kind of guy who takes long spa weekends in Hampshire and requests to be thwacked on the bum with tree branches to help him "get back in touch with nature".
Actually is: A young boy with stunted growth who is convinced that God has a great purpose for him. So not that.
19. Forrest Gump (1994)
Sounds like: A dude who'd chain himself to a tree just to impress a woman.
Actually is: A mentally-challenged and possibly delusional war hero-cum-shrimp millionaire with a penchant for running.
18. Billy Elliot (2000)
Sounds like: A trainee cashier at a bank.
Actually is: A dance sensation.
17. Dean Spanley (2008)
Sounds like: A journeyman Wimbledon centre back circa 1991, who earned one England cap against Moldova.
Actually is: A clergyman played by Sam Neill who evades precisely zero dinosaurs.
16. Michael Collins (1996)
Sounds like: That kid in your class, you know the ones - ate glue, had the haircut, always hung out with thingie. Had the brother with the problem with his back. Once called the teacher 'Mum'. Michael Collins.
Actually is: An Irish revolutionary who probably got better grades than the guy you're thinking of.
15. Ned Kelly (2003)
Sounds like: A childrens' TV presenter who was rumoured to be a bit of a ladies’ man behind the scenes.
Actually is: An Australian outlaw, but one that was called 'Ned'.
14. John Carter (2012)
Sounds like: Senior executive at your local bank and manager of young Billy Elliot.
Actually is: A warrior prince on Mars, or something, I don't know, nobody saw that movie.
13. Michael Clayton (2007)
Sounds like: Someone you might mistake for a member of U2.
Actually is: A smooth-talking law fixer who probably listens to U2.
12. Antwone Fisher (2002)
Sounds like: The 'Hide yo kids, hide yo wife' guy off YouTube.
Actually is: Mentee to Denzel Washington.
11. Jerry Maguire (1996)
Sounds like: The kid in class who used to go on holiday to see family in America every year and always used to bring back American candy.
Actually is: A roguish sports agent and a shower of money.
10. Barton Fink (1991)
Sounds like: A name rejected by Hulk Hogan for being too weird.
Actually is: A playwright with writer's block who can't suplex to save his life.
9. Billy Madison (1995)
Sounds like: A fast-talking city boy lawyer who drives a Lexus and gets the girl while learning valuable life lessons along the way. Possibly played by one of the better Baldwins.
Actually is: An Adam Sandler character, therefore an idiot.
8. Donnie Brasco (1995)
Sounds like: An FBI agent who has infiltrated the Mob.
Actually is: An FBI agent who has infiltrated the Mob.
7. Dom Hemingway (2013)
Sounds like: A really expensive brandy that you can't afford to look at, let alone drink.
Actually is: A lapsed gangster looking for a payday and/or an expensive brandy.
6. Alex Cross (2012)
Sounds like: Someone you should never cross.
Actually is: Someone who occasionally gets quite cross.
5. Harry Brown (2009)
Sounds like: A right old geezer who knows his apples from his oranges from his Chelsea smiles, know what I mean guv? (*bends braces comedically*)
Actually is: An OAP vigilante who looks like he could take care of Batman.
4. Jack Reacher (2012)
Sounds like: A hulking great brute who drifts along the highway looking for mysteries to solve and bad guys to wallop.
Actually is: Tom Cruise.
3. Rocky Balboa (2006)
Sounds like: A treacherous mountain pass that even experienced climbers refuse to navigate. "I could tell you a few tales about the Rocky Balboa," they'd say.
Actually is: The man with the most punched face in the world.
2. John Wick (2015)
Sounds like: A dude with a short fuse who may or may not sell candles.
Actually is: Just trying to avenge his dog.
1. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Sounds like: The world's most badass African-American Kung fu master; lover of ladies; scourge of drug dealers; the baddest mutha on the New York city streets. Soundtrack by Curtis Mayfield.
Actually is: White.
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