When you’re hungover and grab breakfast on the way to work
No, an organic yogurt pot isn’t going to do it. You need sustenance, dammit.
Then comes five o’clock when someone suggests a drink
Nope, completely forgotten how you felt eight hours ago.
When something’s worth doing properly
Some things are worth due attention, you know. Job applications. Planning a wedding. Leaving the teabag in for long enough so that it’s not just brown water and milk.
When Graham from marketing’s trying to ask you out AGAIN
Mate, I talked to you at the Christmas party for three minutes, now it’s March and you do this every Tuesday. Sometimes you’ve just got to serve it up straight, no chaser.
When everyone’s on about that new sci-fi thing you haven’t seen
What are they on about and why are they talking about it right next to your desk? Throw in a curveball – that should do the trick.
When Janice is all up in arms because you left a mug in the sink
Who made you the mug police, JANICE?
When you get another email from that petitions website
You signed one a couple of months ago that had something to do with actually saving people’s lives. Now they send you hundreds of them about every issue under the sun. Ban Katie Hopkins! Automatic red cards for diving footballers! Full transparency on Strictly judges’ decisions!
When you’re arguing on the internet and you’ve overstretched yourself
That tweet of yours was a great zinger, but now someone’s pressing you for, like, actual data to back it up. Time to beat a hasty retreat.
When ANOTHER birthday card hits your desk for signing
How many birthdays can you people have? And you want me to write something different than what I wrote in Andy’s card yesterday?
When someone blocks your path
You’re going home and you’re late for the train. Why is this man with the blue cagoule and the clipboard dancing as you approach him? What is he so happy about?
When the guy next to you on the platform is a talker
I’m sure you’re a nice enough chap and everything there, Talky Talkerson, but this isn’t how commuting works. I’m just going to bury my head in this superficial free paper if it’s all the same to you.
When you’re finally home
Sure, you might have rubbed a few people up the wrong way today, but you’re home, it’s warm, you’re eating red meat for the second time today, and nobody stopped you doing anything you wanted to. That’s the Ron Swanson way.
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