Russell Howard’s best gags | Virgin Media
Russell Howard’s best gags

Russell Howard’s best gags



Cheerful chortle-monger Russell Howard has become something of a national treasure over the years. Which is quite an achievement when you consider what a rude-minded rapscallion he actually is.

As we look forward to the start of a new series of Russell Howard’s Stand Up Central (starting on Wednesday 25th May at 10pm on Comedy Central), check out this luxury selection box of choice quips from the man-child himself…

On inappropriate puddings:

“On the 100th Titanic anniversary they’re selling a pudding called the ‘Iceberg’. THAT’S THE THING THAT KILLED THEM! You wouldn’t serve JFK’s family a ‘Rifle Trifle’!”

On sexual prowess:

“I’d quite like the ability to make somebody orgasm just by touching them once. Not for sexual purposes, it would just be fantastic in a fight.”

On the real-life Cletus:

On adult lies:

“‘Eat your crusts, you’ll get a hairy chest.’ If that were true, ducks would be like floating scrotums.”

On losing his virginity:

“I lost my virginity underneath a bridge. The poor girl, I tried my best. I felt very much like the Scottish football team at a World Cup, ‘It’s just a pleasure to be here.’”

On how to treat micro-pigs:

On Star Wars technology coming true:

“I don’t see what the fuss is about. I’ve been living like it’s Star Wars for years. I walk around in my pyjamas and I get off with my sister.”

On lines you wouldn’t hear in a blockbuster:

“Mmmm! Cracking heroin Gromit!”

On Stephen Fry:

Russell Howard

On unlikely things to hear at Christmas:

“Last night Santa emptied his sack in our room. Which is why I’m leaving your mother.”

On the late King of Pop:

“With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’”

On why his girlfriend is better than him:

On the possible meaning of ‘one million per cent’:

Is it how much happier would I be if I saw a duck moonwalking?”

On the most crucial question of all:

“Hitler. Pol Pot. Genghis Khan. Shag, marry or kill?”

On boring elephants:

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