You know what’s back this week? Only flippin’ Eurotrash. Only flippin’ EUROTRASH. But that’s not the only thing we’re looking forward to – check out what else has our tellybox humming in anticipation…
First Dates Abroad
Monday 13th June at 10pm on E4 (CH 144)
Why you should watch: Because you love watching people cringing their way through intensely awkward dates, you utter sadist.
How it’s different from First Dates: We’re going to Australia. Strewth! Bonzer! And so forth.
Likely lothario: One of the blokes is an “international model”, so he should be fine. Unless he’s a total drongo, which is pretty likely let’s face it.
What to say: “He’s about as popular as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip.” (It’s proper Australian slang.)
What not to say: “She’s like a shag on a rock.” (Also proper Australian slang, and means “lonely”, but likely to be misconstrued by everyone around you.)
Wednesday 15th June at 10pm on Sky Arts (CH 122)
Why you should watch: It’s the second season of this beautifully bittersweet saga about a trendy, arty older couple trying to find meaning in their seemingly idyllic lives.
Who’s in it: Kim Cattrall, who is funny and subtle and heartbreaking and all-round brilliant.
Watch if you like: Early Woody Allen films, When Harry Met Sally, Girls, and other comedy-dramas about clever urbanites being wittily angsty.
First world problems?: Absolutely. But it elevates first world problems to a fine art.
Trivia tidbit: This is actually a remake of a British series which starred Joanna Lumley.
Million Dollar Listing
Thursday 16th June at 9pm on ITVBe (CH 102)
Why you should watch: There’s property eye candy galore as we follow Beverly Hills estate agents doing their thing.
What’s new?: This is the season four premiere, and there’s a new recruit in the form of a Boston boy who’ll bring brash East Coast energy to proceedings.
Watch this when: That last Bognor-based episode of Homes Under the Hammer got you hankering for something a bit more glam.
Annoyance level: Will go dangerously high when the young “entrepreneur” looking for a “party pad” turns up.
Home truth: This is such a hit in the US that it’s spawned three different spin-offs.
Friday 17th June at 8pm on Sky1 (CH 110)
Why you should watch: It’s the truly epic season finale, with Kara/Supergirl taking on Non and Indigo. Expect heat vision clashes a-plenty.
Will there be big deaths?: We ain’t saying nothin’.
One line season review: Funny, frolicksome and just plain fun, Supergirl is proof that DC doesn’t just do “dark”.
Superman quota: Low, but the Man of Steel WILL be appearing properly in season two. Which is excting.
What else is exciting?: Lex Luthor’s sister will be in season two too. Woop.
Friday 17th June at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: It’s Gogglebox, only with people who considerably wiser and wittier. That is to say, very young children.
Sprogs to look out for: Molly, who in the previous Gogglesprogs special suggested that David Cameron dress up as Elsa from Frozen. Also, pint-sized news-fiend Jacob.
What they’ll be watching: Expect to hear their judgments on the likes of The Undateables, Mamma Mia, and Donald Trump.
Sample insight: “I think he’s got a black heart.” (Stephanie on Donald Trump.)
Will there be one with pets next?: Dogglebox. Come on, Channel 4, make it happen.
Tuesday 14th June at 8pm on Sky Arts (CH 122)
Why you should watch: It’s the brand new series of the talent show for the nation’s foremost axe-men and women.
Watch this if: You’re a serious muso who secretly hankers for a cheesy talent show aimed at you. This is that cheesy talent show.
What’s up for grabs?: Total guitar glory. And a place in the line-up of a major music festival.
What to say: “Those who are about to rock, we salute you.”
What not to say: “We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!” (They’re only a bunch of wannabes, get a grip.)
Koko: The Gorilla Who Talks To People
Wednesday 15th June at 10pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: This is the gasp-inducing story of a gorilla who can communicate with humans through sign language.
Why you’ll feel all conflicted: On the one hand it’s touching and inspirational. On the other hand: Koko’s never left captivity.
Koko adorability rating: 10/10 will make you coo.
Watch this when: You want a wildlife documentary with a difference.
Is this the first step to a Planet of the Apes-style takeover of Earth?: YES.
Genius Of The Modern World
Thursday 16th June at 9pm on BBC Four (CH 107)
Why you should watch: Because the first episode is about Karl Marx and everyone needs to know more about this controversial titan of history.
Why’s that then?: People think they “know” Marx (big beard, big ideas, big 20th Century atrocities in his name), but this programme will give you the man who spawned the “-ism”.
Sample revelation: Marx was a reckless uni student who was president of the drinking society.
What to say: “A fascinating portrait of a great thinker whose ideas still inspire and enrage people today.”
What not to say: “I always preferred Groucho and Harpo myself.”
Friday 17th June at 10pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: Because it’s Eurotrash! And it’s back for a one-off special! (Cue sound of cymbals clashing.)
Why is this happening?: The EU Referendum of course. We’re not sure if it’ll make you vote Remain or Brexit, to be honest.
Antoine and Jean Paul presenting?: Mais oui!
What to expect: If there aren’t any German naturists, topless milkmaids and middle-aged men in nappies, it ain’t Eurotrash.
Chances of getting nostalgic about the 90s: Intensely high. You might want to look up The Word on YouTube afterwards.
Friday 17th May at 9pm on Sky Living (CH 112)
Why you should watch: It’s the fourth and final season of this sleek crime drama about the unusually talented detective Carrie Wells.
Is it actually unforgettable?: It’s pretty darn good. But the title actually refers to the fact Carrie has perfect photographic memory.
Look out for: Skeet Ulrich, star of stuff like Scream and Law & Order, who turns up as Carrie’s estranged hubby.
Facial recognition analysis: Carrie’s played by Poppy Montgomery who used to be in crime show Without a Trace.
Trivia tidbit: Poppy also once played JK Rowling in a naff biopic called “Magic Beyond Words”.
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