Glasto’s back, bad things will be cooked on MasterChef, and a convicted killer speaks his mind. Next week’s telly is shaping up to be very memorable indeed…
Tuesday 21st June at 9pm on Sky Arts (CH 122)
Why you should watch: A new, sprawling series which chronicles the history of music recording, this should hit all the right notes.
First episode gist: A look at the great producers, from the legendary George Martin to the game-changing Phil Spector.
Target audience: Music nerds, people who still buy vinyl records, and Super Hans from Peep Show.
What you’ll learn: That Joni Mitchell was a major producer as well as a major singer-songwriter.
What to do afterwards: Listen to 60s rock on giant headphones while stroking your chin thoughtfully.
Mr vs Mrs: Call the Mediator
Tuesday 21st June at 9pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Because you probably had no idea that “National Family Mediation” is a thing.
National Family what?: It’s a way for angry ex-couples to sort out their messy differences without going to court.
Example messy difference: The first episode covers Sue and Peter, trying to agree on how to split their money after she left him for someone else.
What to say: “It’s a bit like a posh, Taste the Difference version of Jeremy Kyle.”
What not to say: “The most weirdly enjoyable depiction of people in dire, hopeless circumstances since the reboot of Top Gear.”
Europe: The Final Debate with Jeremy Paxman
Wednesday 22nd June at 9pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: Because it’s almost make your mind up time, and you’re (probably) STILL stumped. Indecisive much?
But I’m sick of EU debates: This is the final debate. It says so in the title.
Other reasons to watch: It’s Paxman growling at politicians. Plus, there’s a sprinkling of celebs to detract from the fear-mongering pundits.
What to say: “This offered much needed clarity as the decision deadline loomed over the nation.”
What not to say: “In out in out and you shake it all about.”
It’s Not Me, It’s You
Thursday 23rd June at 8pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: It’s a dating-related celebrity panel show. Yes, we can’t believe it’s taken this long either.
What this means exactly: Celeb guests play saucy romance-related games and answering questions on dating anecdotes.
Our team captains: Professional glamouristas Kelly Brook and Vicky Pattison. For some reason, Eamonn Holmes is the presenter.
Watch if you like: Take Me Out. Celebrity Juice. Tinder.
Actual name of an actual round: Bonkbusters. We’re a long way from Have I Got News For You.
Friday 24th June at 10pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Because you’ll be able to enjoy the top bands all weekend without once having to pee in a portaloo.
Will there be Jo Whiley?: Come on, of course there will be. There will also be Lauren Laverne, Mark Radcliffe, and other members of muso royalty.
Biggest barnstormers of the night: Muse.
See also: BBC Four, which will be showing highlights from ZZ Top. They had beards before it was cool.
Trivia tidbit: This is the 20th anniversary of BBC’s Glasto coverage. Woooop.
Tuesday 21st June at 9pm on MTV (CH 134)
Why you should watch: It’s a big new MTV drama with an ingenious premise. Seriously, ingenious.
Well what is it then?: Imagine discovering that your mum isn’t your mum, and that she’d actually kidnapped you as a child to raise as her own.
Who or what is Carter?: The bolshy teen girl who is forced to reunite with her real family, despite her attachment to her fake, criminal mum.
What to say: “An MTV drama that even non-MTV viewers will get hooked on.”
What not to say: “This Finding Nemo sequel is fantastically low on fish.”
Wednesday 22nd June at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: So you can hear Gregg Wallace make food-related puns on Donna Air’s name. He’s truly an Oscar Wilde for our times.
Who you’ll recognise: Singer Sinitta, Tommy Cannon from Cannon and Ball, and the aforementioned Ms Air.
Who you won’t: Alexis Conran from The Real Hustle, and some YouTube vlogger whose celebrity status will make you feel old.
Best bad line: “Cannon is having a ball!”
Best bad food: A raw burger on a bed of soggy pastry. Bon appetit.
Thursday 23rd June at 9.55pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s time to find out if we’re about to enter a “DIY recession” or continue our enslavement to the “unelected European elite”.
Who’s on reporting duties: A veritable X-Men of BBC talent, including Jeremy Vine, Emily Maitlis, Laura Kuenssberg, and the inevitable Dimbleby.
Watch this when: Drinking gallons of black coffee and gorging on sugary snacks. It’s going to be a long night.
Shouldn’t I just go to sleep?: This is history in the making, people. Look sharp!
Don’t forget to: Pull a sickie the next day.
Oscar Pistorius: The Interview
Friday 24th June at 9pm on ITV (CH 103)
Why you should watch: Because an iconic Olympian turned convicted murderer giving an intimate interview surely qualifies as a major TV event.
Who’s the interviewer?: Mark Williams-Thomas, a journalist who used to be a police detective and helped uncover Jimmy Savile’s reign of abuse.
Weirdness factor: High. This will be gripping in the most queasy possible way.
What to expect: A show of heartfelt regret from Pistorious, which may or may not be utterly fabricated for the cameras.
What to say: “The 21st Century’s equivalent of the OJ Simpson case.”
Glastonbury 2016, again
Saturday 25th May at 9pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Adele! And some others, but mainly: Adele!
What if I don’t like Adele?: Glasto has taught us that some artists can put on a heck of a show even if you don’t think you like them (see: Coldplay).
Other highlights: Hipster gods Tame Impala, and synth-pop maestros Cvrches.
Standard indie grumble: “Adele? Seriously? What’s Glastonbury coming to? Etc etc.”
Will it be as good as Bruce Forsyth’s appearance in 2013?: Of course not. But what is?
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