Gordon Ramsay’s back on the warpath, Emmerdale’s exploding, and Louie Spence is about to quite literally drive us round the bend. Behold your new TV must-sees.
Monday 27th June at 10pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: It’s season four of the hard-hitting Aussie prison drama, with in-fighting, bitter rivalry, and evil looks galore.
All change?: Well, the prison has had to be rebuilt after the apocalyptic events of last season, so yeah. Things will be a bit different.
Is it a remake of a certain popular 80s drama?: Sort of not really. It’s a “reimagining” rather than a reboot of Prisoner: Cell Block H.
What to say: “This female-focused prison saga gives Orange is the New Black a run for its money.”
What not to say: “I do hope they bring back Bad Girls.”
Outdaughtered: Busby Quints
Monday 27th June at 9pm on TLC (CH 168)
Why you should watch: Because it’s a new one of those reality shows about a family with lots of kids. Everyone loves those.
Family set-up summary: Adam and Danielle Busby are the proud (and presumably exhausted) owners of America’s only all-female quintuplets.
FIVE daughters?: Actually make that six – the couple already had a young daughter before the quintuplets arrived.
Watch if you like: Kate Plus 8, 19 Kids & Counting, and… well, you get the picture.
Will it stress me out or not?: It should actually make your own family circumstances seem positively peaceful by comparison.
The Living and the Dead
Tuesday 28th June at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s an atmospheric supernatural mystery set in the wilds of Victorian Somerset. And it’s got a sexy beardy man in a hat.
Who is this man?: None other than Colin Morgan, looking practically unrecognisable from his Merlin days.
What’s the gist?: A psychologist and his wife return to their family farm and get embroiled in spooky goings-on involving a vicar’s daughter.
Creepy doll quota: There will be at least one.
Impressive pedigree alert: It’s from the bloke that brought us Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes.
Tuesday 28th June at 7pm on ITV (CH 103)
Why you should watch: Things are about to go boom. And not in the fun Fresh Prince/Will Smith sort of way.
Cause of boom: Rakesh, who’s about to commit arson for insurance, and cause an almighty explosion.
Possible victim: Nicola, who’s gone back to the cottage to retrieve her, um, sex toys.
What to say: “Emmerdale once again proves to be the most lethal patch of rural England this side of Midsomer.”
What not to say: “Sex toys don’t come much hotter than that. Eh? Eh?”
The Women Who Kill Lions
Wednesday 29th June at 9pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: Because you’ll get to revel in your own fury as you watch two women go around killing animals for sport.
Who’s in it?: An American lion killer called Rebecca and a Croatian-Canadian lion killer called Jacine, who both like to kill lions.
Dubious gender question: The programme will be asking whether there’s something intrinsically worse about women, rather than men, being big game hunters. Hmm.
Why do they kill lions?: Oh, we’re sure they’ll tell us at length.
Watch if you like: The Lion King. Actually, no. Watch if you like whatever the opposite of The Lion King is.
Ramsay’s Hotel Hell
Thursday 30th June at 10pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: Watching El Gordo lose his rag at clueless chumps is still one of our guilty telly pleasures.
Where is he?: Somewhere in the Idaho countryside, where a hand-built hotel is hitting the skids.
Ramsay rage scale: He’ll may have to keep his usual fury slightly in check here, because the hoteliers have suffered a bereavement.
What to say: “It’s a bit like The Hotel Inspector crossed with being shouted at right in your face.”
What not to say: “Er… what makes Gordon qualified to give advice on hotel management?”
Centenary of the Battle of the Somme
Thursday 30th June at 7.30pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Because this was an iconic battle of World War One, and we should all doff our caps. Even if we haven’t got any caps.
What’s on the agenda?: A multi-faceted, live broadcast taking us from Westminster Abbey to a special service in France.
Look out for: The Queen, Prince Harry, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the obligatory Huw Edwards.
Jolting fact: Almost 500,000 British troops alone perished in the Somme. This is why we need to shut up and watch in solemn silence.
What to say: Nothing. Watch in solemn silence!
Sharks Of The Shadowlands
Friday 1st July at 10pm on Discovery (CH 250)
Why you should watch: You find sharks irresistibly fascinating. And you’ve probably never heard of THESE kinds of sharks.
What kinds of shark?: Sevengill sharks, which are snub-nosed predatory meat torpedos. Basically.
What we’ll learn: This film follows experts and an actual shark attack survivor as they try to fathom the hunting patterns of these marvellous beasts.
Super-cool fact: Scientists believe these sharks are related to sea killers that lived 300 million years ago. That’s AGES ago.
Likelihood of hearing Jaws theme in your head: Indescribably high.
Louie Spence: Taxi Driver
Saturday 2nd July at 10pm on Sky1 (CH 110)
Why you should watch: Who WOULDN’T want to see cavorting dance maestro Louie Spence become a minicab driver for no good reason?
Has the world gone mad?: More or less, yes.
Bonkers concept of the week: Louie Spence has literally become a minicab driver, complete with a real license. And we’re about to see him pick up and chat with the good people of Essex.
Look out for: The occasional celebrity passenger, apparently.
Chances of it being a full series: Definitely. This show is why television was invented. Arguably.
China’s Forgotten Emperor
Sunday 3rd July at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: Because we bet you didn’t know there was a female emperor of China, who was also said to be a vicious tyrant.
Who she?: Wu Zetian, who ruled in the 7th Century, and basically kicked butt.
Tyranny rating: That’s very much the question of this documentary, which asks: has she been unfairly treated by historians?
What to say: “A genuinely eye-opening look at one of history’s most powerful and misunderstood women.”
What not to say: “Historians agree Wu Zetian is the most exciting emperor never to have commanded a Death Star.”
Recommended for you