It looks brilliant, being a rogue spy, doesn’t it? You might have heard some guff about needing years of black ops training and CIA reprogramming to become one, but that’s all rubbish. You just need to watch a few films and copy what they do. First:
Don’t wear any expensive clothes
James Bond would have you believe that hanging around Monte Carlo in a dinner jacket or the Azores in a chic tan suit is good form, but the bloke hasn’t got a clue: it’s a sure-fire way to get noticed. Your rogue spy doesn’t want to get noticed. It’s sort of the point.
Head to a charity shop and pick up a dull, functional T-shirt, jacket, jeans and sturdy boots. Don’t go overboard: you don’t want to look like a hobo. Just make sure no one would look at you twice and that you can still move quickly enough to ram a pen into a guy’s throat without warning.
Get a safety deposit box full of passports and awesome spy kit
This is a must before you begin any rogue spying. Never get too comfortable. You need to be able to disappear and leave behind the life you had in half an hour.
You’ll need several thousand pounds in various global currencies, a gun, a disguise, and a load of passports. Obviously, buying fake passports is against the law so don’t do that. Maybe just make them yourself using cardboard and a biro. Hopefully they won’t look too closely at the airport.
Quickly scan a room for threats
Up until now, you’ve been used to walking into the kitchen at work and quickly assessing whether anyone there is likely to ask why you’re having your fourth cup of tea of the morning. It’s time to unlearn that skill and pick up a new one: threat analysis.
Stand absolutely stock still, long enough that people wonder if something’s wrong with you, and dart your eyes about at everyone and everything. Where are the exits? What’s everyone’s weak spot? Is that banana actually a gun? Only once this series of complex calculations is complete should you proceed. Now try not to trip over: it really spoils the effect.
Make someone perform emergency surgery on you at gunpoint
Sooner or later you’re going to come unstuck and take a bullet to the shoulder or need a tracking device removed from your hip. Why muck about on an NHS waiting list? Simply barge into an operating theatre, point a gun in the surgeon’s face and tell him you want it sorted, pronto.
Bonus points if the surgeon is actually a vet because you need it done off the books: he’ll protest that he only knows how to neuter dogs but just cock the hammer on the gun so it makes that rad clicking noise and say something like “Less talk, more scalpel.” Alternatively perform the operation on yourself through grimaces in a dimly-lit motel bathroom.
Manipulate a SIM card really quickly
This takes the man on the street literally hours, trying to dig his fingernail into the little slot thing then prise out the SIM and replace it without dropping it into his coffee, before realising he was supposed to read the little number on it so he could register it with his mobile provider. But not the rogue spy: fast SIM card manipulation is one of his key skills.
The trick is not to care whether you break anything. Practise slotting everything into place at a stupidly fast pace, ideally while walking briskly through the streets of Berlin, then dialling a number you’ve memorised, saying “It’s done”, snapping the phone in half and throwing it in a bin. Maybe try it first on your old Nokia rather than the £300 iPhone you just shelled out for.
Follow Bourne’s action-packed journey so far with the Bourne Collection on Virgin Movies. Press Home on your Virgin Media remote, then On Demand > Movies.
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