People are getting naked on telly again, sheds are getting sexed up, and we go swimming with sharks, all in the next seven days…
Monday 25th July at 10pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: It’s a dating show where you pick your perfect match based on individual body parts. Because why the heck not?
How it works: Naked bits from a group of potential partners are revealed one by one, and someone makes a love-match decision based on that. Like Blind Date, but completely not.
Unintentional amusement value: High. One participant is looking for a “deeper connection” with someone, and is therefore on a show about body parts. Lol.
Sounds vaguely familiar: You might be confusing it with Undressed, a new series on another channel where potential mates get into bed with each other at first meeting.
Watch this if you like: Undressed.
Inside the Factory
Tuesday 26th July at 8pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: You’re secretly in love with Gregg Wallace.
Alternative reason: It’s an eye-opening look at how everyday products are made, beginning with breakfast cereals.
Carbocalypse warning: Don’t watch this if you’re low-carbing it, because you WILL crave Cornflakes.
Curious factoid: The Victorians ate lobster and pig’s head for breakfast, according to this show.
Even more curious factoid: Gregg Wallace’s grin has the power to make flowers wilt and lions run in fear.
Tuesday 26th July at 8pm on Alibi (CH 130)
Why you should watch: It’s a forensics-based crime show with a difference – this particular pathologist is “private”.
What does that mean?: He’s pathology’s answer to Sherlock Holmes! Only with better abs.
Ab count: Six. Maybe more. You’ll be seeing a lot of them, at any rate.
Will they or won’t they?: What, our cocky hero and his mismatched female partner? Expect plenty of banter and flirtation, is all we can say.
Does TV need another show like this?: Probably not, but it looks sleek and funny and fun, so just go with it.
Wild Animal Reunions
Wednesday 27th July at 8pm on ITV (CH 103)
Why you should watch: Because it’s about humans being reunited with wild animals they forged deep bonds with, and that’s just lovely.
Example animals: Orphaned chimps, orphaned elephants. Yep, you’ll probably be crying before this is done.
Example humans: Keepers who looked after the aforementioned elephants, reuniting with them in the wild.
What to say: “Pass another tissue, I can’t handle this.”
What not to say: “That scientist who works closely with black bears is clearly an absolute triple-distilled lunatic.”
Ultimate Celebrity Power Couples 2016
Wednesday 27th July at 9pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: You deserve trash telly sometimes, and it doesn’t come much trashier than this.
What’s the “criteria”?: The couples are judged according to wealth, media profile, and degree of smug punchability. We may be lying about the last one.
Will there be Kim and Kanye?: You better believe it.
Will there be D-list talking heads?: Yes, presumably consisting of celebrity gossip bloggers and radio DJs you’ve never heard of.
Best watched with: All the junk food you can store in your lap.
Celebrity Big Brother
Thursday 28th July at 9pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: Because, come on. We all secretly really want to know who’s been roped into the house this year.
Hasn’t normal Big Brother just been on?: Yes, and what of it? Too much BB for you? Weakling.
Suspected housemates: Tulisa, who may be trying for a comeback. Mob Wives star Renee Graziano, Corrie star Helen Flanagan, and some WAGs.
Who we really want to see: Lady Colin Campbell, whose acid tongue was the best thing about I’m a Celeb last year.
Geordie Shore quota: There’s bound to be at least one, isn’t there?
Hugh’s War on Waste
Thursday 28th July at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: The problems of excess packaging makes for gripping telly. No, really.
Why the Hugh and cry?: TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is on a mission to stop everyone from wasting so much stuff.
Who’s everyone?: Starbucks and Caffe Nero for starters. We chuck 2.5 billion cardboard cups away a year.
What to say: “This is a vital crusade which will surely make us wake up to how crazily wasteful our habits have become.”
What not to say: “Go back to making locally sourced terrines, ya do-gooding hippy.”
Amazing Spaces Shed of the Year
Friday 29th July at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: There’s nothing quite so British as a shed.
Really, though? Sheds?: Hey, in a normal world, a show called “Shed of the Year” has no business being an entertaining watch. But we’re not living in a normal world.
Sheds to look out for: There’s one that rotates on its axis to follow the sun. Really.
Watch this if you like: The relentlessly boyish and likeable George Clarke. Also, Grand Designs, obvs.
Unexpected Vietnam bunker alert: The first edition features a Vietnam war bunker in Staffordshire.
Sunday 31st July at 8pm on Nat Geo Wild (CH 264)
Why you should watch: Because it’s called Sharkatraz, and there is no word better than that.
Is it like Sharknado?: No, this is a real documentary. Brilliantly.
What’s the gist?: Apparently, guards at Alcatraz would tell inmates the waters were full of sharks, to stop them trying to escape. But was it true?
Well, was it?: You’ll have to watch this show, fool!
Best watched with: A spear gun.
The Girl from Ipanema
Monday 1st August at 9pm on BBC Four (CH 107)
Why you should watch: It’s the genuinely fascinating story behind the most iconic piece of easy listening music EVER.
The Girl from whatnow?: You’ll know it when you hear it. The song is often used as background “muzak” for comedy purposes.
Who’s the bossa?: This is also the story of the Brazilian bossa nova scene, which none of us know anything about.
What to say: “I didn’t even know this song was a real, proper song.”
What not to say: “Great, I’ll have this in my head ALL NIGHT now.”
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