This week in TV: posh people make prats of themselves in France, and some obscure sports competition in Rio. Plus lots of other stuff. Have a gander at what’s coming up…
Made In Chelsea: South Of France
Monday 1st August at 9pm on E4 (CH 144)
Why you should watch: How Cannes you not want to see the gang swan about in the south of France? (Do you see what we did there?)
Sacre bleu!: Indeed. Especially when you consider who’s returning to the fold.
Who? Who?: Only Francis Boulle, aka the best Chelsea-ite ever.
Look out for: Simmering tension between Stephanie and Tiff. And perhaps hopefully a fist fight.
Best watched with: Your finest Champagne, of course. Bonus points if you’re reclining on a chaise-lounge.
The Bastard Executioner
Tuesday 2nd August at 10pm on History (CH 270)
Why you should watch: Because it’s a show with an actual swear word in the title. Also, it’s from the guy who gave us Sons of Anarchy.
Who is this b*stard?: A Welsh knight thirsting for revenge against the English in the 14th Century.
In other words: It’s a bit like Braveheart.
Look out for: Stephen “True Blood” Moyer!
Quotable line of the week: “There’s nothing more dangerous than a Welshman who has nothing to lose.”
Britain’s Pompeii: A Village Lost In Time
Tuesday 2nd August at 9pm on BBC Four (CH 107)
Why you should watch: It’s like the best episode of Time Team ever, as experts excavate a 3,000-year-old village that’s been preserved in peat.
Why “Pompeii”?: OK, there’s no volcano involved. But the village was ravaged by a mysterious fire.
Eerie food alert: Traces of actual meals have been preserved amid the ancient buildings.
What to say: “An awesome glimpse of a vanished age.”
What not to say: “I can’t concentrate because I’m too busy wondering how Professor Alice Roberts can look so much like Victoria Coren-Mitchell.”
Tuesday 2nd August at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: The sassy scamps face off against Richard Osman in the grand finale of the series that’s taken the nation – ie, Twitter – by storm.
Where’s Mog?!: Sadly, everyone’s favourite contestant Mog (the one who looked, sounded and acted exactly like a mini-Michael McIntyre) left last week. But it’s OK, he’ll probably become prime minister some day.
Specialist subjects: The finalists will be shaming us adults with their frightening knowledge of Florence Nightingale, Russian ballet, and tax laws.
Who’ll win?: Our money’s on Rhea, who is 10 years old and cleverer than every single one of us combined.
Best part: Will inevitably be the faces of outrage on the obnoxious parents who don’t see their little darling win.
A Granny’s Guide To The Modern World
Wednesday 3rd July at 10.35pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: OAPs getting stoned for the first time in their lives is only one of the many, many reasons to watch this.
What’s the gist?: It’s a compelling hodgepodge of reports and sketches about old people dealing with life in 2016.
Unlikely host of the week: Barry Humphries, sans the Dame Edna get-up.
Look out for: The three old ladies lighting up cannabis in Amsterdam is sure to be the iconic moment of the episode.
Cringe alert: There’s a bit where a clearly hapless old gent doesn’t get why racist words are racist.
Wednesday 3rd July at 10pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: In a sea of identikit crime dramas, this one stands out because it’s almost completely improvised.
How almost completely?: The cast are given a basic story framework, but are free to make the dialogue up and basically indulge their instincts. And it’s fab.
Who’s out: Thanks to her obligations to the new Cold Feet, main star Fay Ripley has been written out in the most brutal possible way.
Who’s in: The brilliant Lenora Crichlow, still best known for Being Human, and who should really be a bigger star.
Why is the title so boring?: We don’t know, but we’re pretty sure this would be much better known if it wasn’t simply called Suspects.
The 80s With Dominic Sandbrook
Thursday 4th August at 9pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Thatcher! Wham! The Austin Metro! You’re feeling the nostalgia already, aren’t you?
Wait, is 80s nostalgia still a “thing”?: Well, Dominic Sandbrook seems to think so. Hence this show.
Unlikely historical thesis of the week: Sandbrook claims that it’s Delia Smith, not Margaret Thatcher, who sums up 80s Britain.
Terrible realisation alert: The 80s were a really, really, really long time ago.
Chances of Spandau Ballet: 100%
Mo Farah: Race Of His Life
Thursday 4th August at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: Our nicest national treasure opens up about the flabbergasting sacrifices he needs to make for athletic glory.
Bizarre revelation of the night: That he sleeps inside an “altitude tent” to boost his red blood cells. Or something.
Angry outburst of the night: Mo will be talking/venting about the controversy around his coach and doping.
Look out for: Insights from Usain Bolt and, er, Boris Johnson.
Unexpected sibling alert: There’s an appearance by Mo’s twin brother!
Friday 5th August at 11.40pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. That’s all.
It won’t be as good as London’s: Well that OBVIOUSLY goes without saying.
Where’s it happening?: The Maracana stadium. Note: that’s Maracana, not Macarena. No need to show off the dance moves.
What to say: “Given what the average Rio carnival is like, this is going to be quite the show.”
What not to say: “I’ve now got the Macarena in my head. Kill me now.”
The Mystery Of Van Gogh’s Ear
Saturday 6th August at 9pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: It’s the final word on what has to be the most notorious moment in all of art history.
What moment?: The moment when the tormented painter apparently lopped off his ear and gave it to a girl.
Sounds ear-ie: Yes, but the question is did he chop the whole thing off? And why?
Awesome fact alert: It turns out the woman Van Gogh did the deed for was called… Rachel.
Secret star: Never mind Paxman – the real star here is Bernadette Murphy, whose detective work has unearthed all these juicy details.
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