A man with the face of a Ken doll, and the UK version of Say Yes to the Dress are among the audio-visual delicacies awaiting us this week…
Monday 8th August at 10pm on Discovery (CH 250)
Why you should watch: Because Top Gear isn’t the only TV show aimed at petrolheads, fool!
What’s the gist?: Burly Detroit car specialists transform vintage motors into modern-day dream machines.
Are there mobsters?: No. Or at least, we don’t think there will be.
This week’s eye-candy car: A classic ’63 Lincoln Continental. Kind of like the one JFK was shot in. (Not to be a downer or anything.)
Watch if you like: Counting Cars, Overhaulin’, Fat N Furious, and other shows where big guys get all greasy together in the straightest possible way.
Mascara Boys: Sex Me Up
Monday 8th August at 10pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: Thought body image issues only affected women? This weirdly fascinating documentary will put you right.
Example vanity victim: Rodrigo, who has spent £300,000 on more than 40 surgical procedures so he can look as much like a real-life Ken doll as possible.
How terrifying is Rodrigo?: His face will basically haunt your dreams.
What to say: “An eye-opening look at the shallow vanity propagated by the social media era.”
What not to say: “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
Tuesday 9th August at 10pm on Channel Four (CH 104)
Why you should watch: First Dates is back for a new series, and it’s the absolute best programme on television, bar none.
What not to do on a date: Should “I’ve got a gun!” like one of these guys does. But don’t worry, he has good reason (and it’s not because he has a gun).
Best lascivious old lady of the week: 82-year-old Dee, who is well into the “gorgeous” maitre d’.
Token normies: Accountaint Ajai and his date, Hema. Although we’re sure there’s more to them than meets the eye. This IS First Dates after all.
Best watched with: Tinder. Multi-screen the heck out of it.
Sweet 15: Quinceañera
Wednesday 10th August at 9pm on TLC (CH 167)
Why you should watch: Because you had no idea Quinceañera was even a thing. But it is.
What’s the gist?: It’s a brand new reality show about a Miami store catering for all things Quinceañera.
What IS Quinceañera?!: A big party that’s traditionally thrown for girls reaching their 15th year, in Latin American culture.
What to expect: A photo shoot with an alligator, a Bollywood event, a hot air balloon shoot, and did we mention the actual frickin’ alligator?
Look out for: Spats. And lots of them.
White Lions: Born Wild
Wednesday 10th August at 8pm on Animal Planet (CH 256)
Why you should watch: White lion cubs are really cute. Plus you’ll learn lots of stuff.
What are white lions?: Mutant lions. Which is an exciting way of saying they’re like regular lions, only with a genetic quirk which makes them white.
Why white ain’t alright: Being so pale makes the cubs stand out, and at greater risk of attack by predators. Will they survive?
Why lion programmes are great: Because seeing majestic animals being majestic is so therapeutic. Unless the cubs get killed. In which case, traumatic.
Trivia expectations: You’ll come away with a surprisingly thorough knowledge of lion dinnertime etiquette.
Thursday 11th August at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: Professor Noel Fitzpatrick performs actual, proper miracles in a sci-fi setting, on cute lovely animals. How good is that?
Sample miracle: Tonight, in the first of a new series, Noel will use brand new technology to replace part of a dog’s skull.
Jaw-dropping revelation alert: You can now use 3D printers to create elbow replacements for dogs.
What to say: “Professor Fitzpatrick is probably the most brilliant person in Britain. Give or take the odd Hawking.”
What not to say: “When’s he going to build android warrior dogs? Because android warrior dogs are cool.”
I Am Steve McQueen
Friday 12th August at 9pm on Quest (CH 172)
Why you should watch: Because you’re not Steve McQueen, and that sucks.
Is it about a delusional madman who thinks he’s Steve McQueen?: No.
What is it then?: A fond and insightful look at the life of Hollywood’s King of Cool.
Celebs to spot: Everyone from Gary Oldman to Pierce Brosnan to McQueen’s one-time lady love, Ali MacGraw.
Trivia tidbit: The documentary reveals McQueen once trained with fellow legend, Bruce Lee.
Say Yes to the Dress: UK
4th August at 9pm on BBC One (CH 167)
Why you should watch: Here comes the bride. By which we mean, here comes the new UK version of the dangerously addictive US reality show.
Where’s it set?: Confetti and Lace, a bridal boutique in Essex. Natch.
Meet the experts: Boutique owner Christine Dando, and fashion guru David Emanuel. He designed Princess Di’s dress, darling.
Obligatory bust-up: Bride-to-be Jordan is reduced to tears when her aunt likens her to a rugby player in a wedding dress.
Best outburst of the episode: “Her legs look fat in it! They do!”
Saturday 13th August at 7.30pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: ‘Cos it’s high time you got some culture down you.
Gershwin?: As in George Gershwin, the legendary American maestro who gave us Rhapsody in Blue and other sounds that make you swoon and think of New York City.
What’s playing?: Guest artists will perform epic standards like Love Walked In and Fascinatin’ Rhythm.
Also: An American in Paris. Which is as good as music can get.
But I don’t like classical music?: Prepare to be converted.
Flying To The Ends Of The Earth
Sunday 14th August at 8pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: The globe-trotting makes a final landing, this time in Peru and Siberia. And it will be gob-smacking.
Who’s our pilot?: If you haven’t been watching the series, it follows former Marine Arthur Williams as he visits the smallest, most far-flung landing strips on Earth.
Will it make me afraid of flying?: Only if your next holiday is in the frozen wastes of Siberia.
What to say: “I’ll never complain about turbulence again.”
What not to say: “I’m never getting on a plane again.”
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