Poldark! Poldark’s back! (And if you hate Poldark, may we interest you in the new series of Narcos, by any chance?)
Tuesday 30th August at 9pm on Sky1 (CH 110)
Why you should watch: It’s series six – yes, six! – of the quietly wonderful comedy-drama about a couple being a couple.
Is it pleasant?: Yes, Mount Pleasant is incredibly pleasant. It’s as pleasant as a sunny afternoon in your back garden, having G&T with very pleasant friends.
What’s it about though?: If you’re late to it, Mount Pleasant is about everyday suburban life, with all its funny/sad/poignant/silly moments.
Plus: Bobby Ball. It’s got actual Bobby Ball.
Random EastEnder alert: Jo Joyner, aka Tanya from EastEnders, joins the cast this series. Hopefully Max won’t be following her, though.
Tuesday 30th at 10pm on FOX (CH 157)
Why you should watch: Crocodile Dundee’s evil twin returns to wreak more havoc in this new spin-off from the iconic horror film.
What’s the gist?: Mick Taylor, the affable Aussie psychopath, finds himself up against a young woman seeking revenge for the death of her family.
It’s not a new actor is it?: Happily, John Jarratt is reprising the role of Mick Taylor, snorting and chortling his way through hideous killings.
Will it be gory?: Gorier than a bushtucker feast, we shouldn’t wonder.
Lines to live (or die) by: “I shoot pests. Pigs, donkeys, camels, tourists.”
Wednesday 31st August at 10pm on History (CH 270)
Why you should watch: Because it’s bloody and violent and crazy, but it’s also got historians in it which makes this docudrama count as intelligent telly.
Who are the “barbarians”?: The various upstarts who dared to rebel against the mighty sandal-wearing leaders of Rome.
Example upstarts: Boudica, Attila and, in this first episode, Hannibal, a legendary general famed for his use of warrior elephants.
We say again: WARRIOR ELEPHANTS.
Watch this if you like: Finally, a show to unite lovers of Mary Beard documentaries and super-violent slasher epics like 300.
What If We Get Married?
Wednesday 31st August at 8pm on TLC (CH 167)
Why you should watch: If you’ve ever made a pact with a friend that you’ll get married if no one else comes along, this new reality show is a must-see.
What’s the gist?: We’ll be following two very different pairs of people who decide to leap from being friends to spouses in one fell swoop. Yikes.
Couple one: Amy and Mike, who have been “friends with benefits” for ages, and want to take it to the next level. By getting married. As you do.
Couple two: Christian and Amanda. They were platonic buddies (ie, he adored her from afar) and are now tying the knot (ie, he’s made it out of the friendzone, much to his own baffled joy).
Human foolishness rating: 10/10 will regret making this decision. Or are we just being cynical? Only one way to find out…
Monica the Medium
Wednesday 31st August at 9pm on MTV (CH 134)
Why you should watch: Because it’ll make you feel all nostalgic for university, when you juggled your studies with your love life and talking to the dead. You did that, right?
Is this some glossy new teen drama?: Actually it’s a reality show. Yep: Monica is a real person who really claims to speak to the dead.
Yeah, whatever: Don’t speak too soon, Monica has a habit of making believers out of people.
What to say: “Whether you take her at face value or not, this is a bright, emotionally charged, feel-good series that’s hard to resist.”
What not to say: “This would be at least 37% better if it was a bizarre supernatural spin-off from Friends.”
Friday 2nd September at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: The classic time-travelling sitcom is back for this one-of special, reuniting us with an older but no wiser Gary Sparrow.
What’s been happening?: Gary was trapped in the 1940s when we last saw him. Now it’s the 1960s, and a brand new time portal is about to open…
Timey-wimey weirdness: There’s a bit where Gary holds a newborn baby version of himself. The Doctor wouldn’t approve.
What to say: “It’s funny how this show, which is about the 1940s and 1960s, just makes us feel all nostalgic for the 1990s.”
What not to say: “When you think about it… Gary was an absolute, no-holds-barred, two-timing git.”
Friday 2nd September at 9.30pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s the long-awaited gritty reboot of Keeping Up Appearances. Well, not exactly gritty – but it IS set in the 1950s.
Who is the new Hyacinth?: Kerry Howard plays the snobbish suburban gorgon, long before she put on her first candlelight supper.
Who’s the Daddy?: The infamous Bucket family patriarch – aka, Daddy – is a proper character here, played by Mark Addy.
Can this possibly be good?: No idea, but we’re dead curious to find out.
Best watched with: Victoria sponge eaten from your finest Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles.
Friday 2nd September on Netflix
Why you should watch: It’s season two of the best drama about crazy megalomaniac drugs barons since Scarface.
Why have I not seen this?: Because you’re well behind the times and it’s time you caught up with today’s answer to Breaking Bad and The Wire.
Where are we at?: The new season continues the epic saga of billionaire crime lord Pablo Escobar. And things are going to get messy.
Viewing suggestion: Cancel all weekend plans – you’ll have binge-watching duties to attend to.
Best programme-related hashtag of the week: #whokilledpablo
Narcos season 2 is available to watch on Netflix from Friday 2nd
Strictly Come Dancing
Saturday 3rd September at 6.50pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s the big Strictly curtain raiser, with the celebs being paired off with their professional partners. Woooop.
Serious contenders of the series: Olympian Greg Rutherford, singer Louise Redknapp, and Team GB gymnast Claudia Fragapane have to be up there.
Obligatory joke contenders of the series: Judge Rinder and Ed Balls will probably supply us with this year’s John Sergeant moment.
What to say: “That’s all our Saturday nights taken care off for the foreseeable, then.”
What not to say: “So any guesses on which celeb is going to leave their spouse for a professional dancer?”
Sunday 4th September at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: Because it’s a party in celebration of Aidan Turner’s abs, and everyone’s invited!
But seriously: It’s actually a ripping great Sunday evening romp. It just happens to also feature Aidan Turner’s abs.
What’s Ross Poldark up to?: Standing trial for his life, now that you ask.
Look out for: Veteran star John Nettles will be joining the shenanigans this series.
Hopes for series two: Mainly that it’ll supply us with a new iconic image to replace the one of Poldark topless in that field, which has accompanied every single article on the show ever published.
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