It’s an exciting week in telly-land, with the superhumans will be taking to the stage in this Paralympics, and the return of a certain iconic TV show about a bunch of (now) middle-aged people who keep getting cold feet…
Monday 5th September at 9pm on ITV (CH 103)
Why you should watch: Because it’s the mega-hyped return of the show which grabbed the late 90s/early Noughties zeitgeist like no other.
How does it begin?: With Adam returning to Manchester to share some rather juicy romantic news. But has he gotten over the dear, departed Rachel?
Who’ll be getting the eponymous cold feet?: In this episode, Adam. As per usual.
Poignant soundtrack alert: Expect Elbow’s Guy Garvey to make you feel all wistful while you question your life choices.
Best watched with: A snack platter of middle-class 90s food, to include sun-dried tomatoes and things randomly slathered with pesto.
Cold Feet series 1-5 are also available to watch On Demand. Find it in On Demand > Box Sets.
Ross Kemp: Extreme World
Wednesday 7th September at 9pm on Sky1 (CH 110)
Why you should watch: Ross Kemp is putting his life on the line with a whole new load of madly dangerous missions abroad. So the least we can do is watch and gawp.
First crazily hazardous destination: Mongolia, where he’ll be mingling with Neo-Nazi militias who venerate Hitler and Genghis Khan.
What’s scarier than Neo-Nazi Mongolian militias?: Oh, just literally nothing at all.
What to say: “Ross Kemp once again proves himself to be the action man equivalent of Louis Theroux.”
What not to say: “They should do a companion series called Steve McFadden: Extreme Whispering.”
Ross Kemp: Extreme World is also available to watch after broadcast in Catch Up.
Absolutely Fashion: Inside British Vogue
Thursday 8th September at 9pm on BBC Two (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Because the country’s premier fashion bible has never allowed TV cameras into their offices before, darling.
Who’s our guide?: Vogue editor Alexandra Shulman, who surely couldn’t have approved of the documentary’s clunky title. “Absolutely Fashion”?
The Devil Likes Instagram: The programme will be following the magazine as it tries to entice younger, techy-savvy fashionistas.
Kate Moss alert: She’s here. And we’ll even hear her voice at one point. That NEVER happens.
Best watched with: A giant bottle of Bollinger, of course. Or something fizzy from Lidl.
Joanna Lumley’s Japan
Friday 9th September at 9pm on ITV (CH 102)
Why you should watch: Because who among us wouldn’t want to go on holiday with Joanna Lumley?
Travel itinerary: Lummers, as we’re sure she likes to be called, will be experiencing Sapporo’s Snow Festival, meeting macaque monkeys in Nagano, and gasping at a Shinto fire festival.
Obligatory darker moment: An ominous visit to the nuclear disaster zone of Fukushima.
What to say: “If only all celebrity travelogues were as charming and serene as Lumley’s.”
What not to say: “I’ll tell you what though, this series is absolutely fabulous.”
Harley and the Davidsons
Friday 9th September at 9pm on Discovery (CH 250)
Why you should watch: Don’t be fooled by its Discovery Channel context, this is a big new drama about the birth of the legendary bike company.
What’s the gist?: This sprawling three-part miniseries tells of how three young men risked their livelihoods to launch the Harley-Davidson brand.
What to say: “A riveting tale of bold guys and revving engines at a time of technological upheaval.”
What not to say: “Meh, I prefer Suzukis myself.”
Tuesday 6th September at 10pm on BBC Two CH 102)
Why you should watch: It’s like Bad Moms, only British and better.
What’s the gist?: This comedy pilot is a rueful celebration of middle-class mum-hood, in all its latte-swilling glory.
Best writing team of the year: Father Ted genius Graham Linehan, his wife Helen Linehan, and Catastrophe’s Sharon Horgan all worked on the script.
Also: It stars the lady who plays Philomena Cunk. All she has to do is look at something and we’ll snort tea from our nostrils.
Chances of it becoming a full, instantly iconic series: As high as the chances of a newborn keeping you up all night.
Paralympics Opening Ceremony
Wednesday 7th September at 9pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: You’ve had your rest interval – now it’s time to get stuck into more sporting awesomeness courtesy of the Paralympians.
Why it’ll be great: Apart from the sport itself, the Channel 4 coverage is brilliantly witty. (Their tag-line for the 2012 Paralympics was “Thanks for the warm-up” – referring to the Olympics.)
Will there be Balding?: Of course. But fortunately her unrelenting wholesomeness will be balanced out by the nuclear-strength cheek of Adam Hills.
Athletes to egg on: Shout yourself hoarse for the likes of Ellie Simmonds, Hannah Cockroft, David Weir and Sarah Storey.
Quote of the year: Martine Wright, who lost her legs in 7/7 and became volleyball captain in the 2012 Paralympics: “Seven years after 7/7 I was in front of 70,000 people. I believe seven is my lucky number now.”
Thursday 8th September at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: This is no ordinary Question Time. This is a straight-up fist fight between the Labour leadership contenders. Only with words instead of actual fists, sadly.
In the red corner: Jeremy “Killer” Corbyn.
In the, er, other red corner: Owen “Sucker Punch” Smith.
Hot button issues: Expect lots of angry words about Brexit, sexism and Jeremy’s now-iconic train journey.
Didn’t Jezza only recently get elected?: Yes, but this is British politics in 2016 and everything is officially crazy.
Friday 9th September at 9pm on W (CH 125)
Why you should watch: It’s season three of the most gripping TV series ever to feature disgusting parasitic worms.
Why have I not seen this?: Because you clearly hate well-made, thrilling, high-concept spectacle dramas. But there’s still time to catch up.
Excellent pedigree alert: It’s from the great Guillermo del Toro, the macabre maestro behind Pan’s Labyrinth.
Best character name ever: You WISH you were cool enough to be called Abraham Setrakian.
Bonus reason to watch: Apart from all the ancient vampirism? How about Rupert Penry-Jones looking bizarre and unrecognisable in prosthetics?
Original Sin: Sex
Friday 9th September at 9pm on National Geographic (CH 266)
Why you should watch: Because it’s got the word “sex” in the title. Come on.
But seriously: This actually promises to be a proper look at the cultural and technological (!) history of love-making through the ages.
Naughty toy alert: Let’s just say, you wouldn’t want to watch this with the ‘rents.
Will there be sexbots?: Inevitably.
Blast from the past: The show features Dr Ruth Westheimer, the sex therapist who’s as much a symbol of 80s Americana as Ronald Reagan and New Coke.
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