Monday 17th October at 9pm on Sky Living (CH 112)
Why you should watch: It’s season 12 – count ‘em, 12! – of the hit series about a bunch of uber-clever FBI profilers.
A serial killer’s dozen: The new run kicks off with the gang dealing with the aftermath of 13 serial killers escaping from prison.
13?!: Yeah. All those shows with just one serial killer per episode are for wimps.
Trivia tidbit: The big cheese is played by Joe Mantegna, who is the voice of the mobster guy in The Simpsons, and was also in The Godfather III.
Look out for: Jane Lynch, aka the best character from Glee, will return as a team member’s schizophrenic mum.
Paxman on Trump vs Clinton
Monday 17th October at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s our most fearsome political journalist on the most fearsome political contest in living memory. Grab the popcorn.
But I hate politics!: Thing is, this isn’t politics really. This is gladiatorial combat, crossed with the Book of Revelation. Pretty exciting, really.
Is it just another “Trump is evil” documentary?: This is Paxo. He won’t be going easy on anyone, least of all Hillary.
What to say: “It’s enough to make you question this whole ‘democracy’ thing.”
What not to say: “Please… make them stop. Make them all stop.”
Monday 17th October at 8pm on Animal Planet (CH 256)
Why you should watch: Two guys, who seem like they have a neat side line in the mob, build epic aquariums. And it’s awesome.
Why would I watch a show about aquariums?: We just said, it’s AWESOME.
What actually happens?: They construct big, bizarre, fantasy sea-scapes for rappers, actors and anyone else with enough money to splurge.
In this episode: The brilliantly-named “Imaginarium Science” asks for a vast tank in the shape of a ship.
What we wish they would say: Something about “sleeping with the fishes”, because they make fish tanks but look like the Sopranos.
Tuesday 18th October at 9pm on Discovery (CH 250)
Why you should watch: It’s a huge hit in the States and don’t you want to know all the fuss is about?
Is it really about a “gold rush”?: Yep, the title is no metaphor. It’s really about a bunch of go-for-broke gold prospectors digging for victory.
New setting alert: One of the teams will be heading out to Oregon in search of new riches. And new rage-fuelled frustration, no doubt.
Scene-stealer alert: Young gold miner Parker, who looks like he should be in some university indie band, not scrabbling about in rocky outcrops.
Watch if you like: Ice Road Truckers, Ax Men, and any show which makes you kind of wish YOUR job had a greater than 80% chance of killing you without a moment’s notice.
Celebrity Storage Hunters
Tuesday 18th October at 8pm on Dave (CH 144)
Why you should watch: Because you want to watch Theo Paphitis poke about in manky old storage units for no good reason.
What’s the gist?: A gaggle of foolish celebs are made to bid on the contents of manky old storage units while a shouty bald man encourages their petty, petty rivalry.
Example celebs: Johnny Vegas, Shappi Khorsandi, Tim Vine, the aforementioned Paphitis, and the ubiquitous Street-Porter.
And: Nancy Dell’Olio, who is apparently still a thing.
Don’t try to: Make out what on earth the auctioneer is saying when he’s taking bids. It seems to be some kind of alien language.
Married at First Sight
Tuesday 18th October at 9pm on Channel 4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: It’s the new run of the show where analysts and “experts” get people to marry each other. At first sight.
So it’s basically an arranged marriage, on television: Yes.
Really? Really they do this?: Indeed. And there you were thinking reality shows gave up on the whole “social experiment” idea sometime after series one of Big Brother.
Who are the Cupids?: A psychologist, a relationship therapist, an evolutionary anthropologist, and a vicar. Because God totally approves of all this.
Best watched with: Your significant other, so you can both be glad you never, ever have to do anything like this. (Hopefully.)
Wednesday 19th October at 9pm on E4 (CH 104)
Why you should watch: It’s a crazy (!) new show about two apparently ordinary gals who just happen to be butt-kicking demon hunters.
Watch if you like: Misfits. Because it’s from the same person.
Or if you like: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but this is set to have the same killer combo of strong women, cutting quips, and hideous death-beasts.
Who’s in it?: Downtown Abbey alumnus Cara Theobold. This will not be like Downton Abbey.
There will also be: Bowling. Lots of bowling.
Wednesday 19th October at 10pm on Syfy (CH 144)
Why you should watch: Because there’s a serious lack of Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells in your life.
Also: It’s a big new TV version of iconic horror film The Exorcist, starring Geena Davis and our very own Ben Daniels! And we’re pretty excited.
Is it a reboot?: Err, not really? Kind of? It’s not got the same characters, but it’s the same sort of set-up.
What’s the set-up?: Tormented priests are called in to deal with a demon-possessed girl. Gross stuff ensues.
Lines to live by: “I’m not crazy. It’s a demon. It’s trying to take my daughter.”
Wednesday 19th October at 9pm on ITV (CH 103)
Why you should watch: It’s a new series which is a gritty domestic drama crossed with a supernatural horror tale. Intriguing.
What’s the gist?: It’s about a nameless teenage boy who is coping with his parents’ divorce and coming to terms with his frightening, secret powers.
Classic horror comparison: It’s almost a bit like Carrie, but British. And with a boy.
What to say: “An effectively creepy take on the tendency of lads to bottle up their emotions.”
What not to say: “This emo misery-guts should lighten up.”
Friday 21st October on Netflix
Why you should watch: It’s the new season of the most inventive, terrifying, downright prophetic show on television.
Who’s in it this time?: People to make you point excitedly, including Trainspotting’s Kelly MacDonald, Ripper Street’s Jerome Flynn, and the guy who plays Stamper in House of Cards.
A 5-star idea: One episode is set in a world where we can rate human beings like they’re Uber drivers.
Also: There’s a story set in the 80s. Black Mirror does nostalgia? Is Charlie Brooker getting soft?
Scare quote: Brooker describes another episode as “really grim and nasty”. So no, he’s not getting soft.
Black Mirror is available to watch on Netflix from Friday 21st October
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