Lord Sugar will be jabbing his finger in our general direction, and flying demon creatures will destroy the world. Those two events aren’t actually related. Probably.
Raw Recruits: Squaddies at 16
Monday 3rd October at 9pm on Channel 5 (CH 105)
Why you should watch: Because the first episode is called “Break Them Down, Build Them Up”, and don’t you want to see that happen?
What’s the gist?: A bunch of kids who are 16 and 17 are put through their paces by the British Army. Think Full Metal Jacket, but with less of the psychotic meltdowns. (Well, we say that…)
Quote of the episode: “Strip your weapons system down for normal daily cleaning.” Go on, think of an excuse to say that at work tomorrow.
Look out for: Hopeless Lizzie, who really doesn’t know how to deal with guns. Ordinarily, that would be a good thing.
Who should watch it: Anyone who’s ever said that kids these days could do with the return of national service.
Tuesday 4th October at 10pm on Dave (CH 127)
Why you should watch: The delightfully absurd comedy “task” show is back. Greg Davies’ scowl is worth the admission alone.
Sample task of the week: Can one make a snowman without any snow? Sounds like an ancient philosophical thought experiment, but it isn’t. It’s a task on Taskmaster.
Look out for: Al Murray crawling on an athletics track towards a microwave. It’s like if the Olympics had a nervous breakdown.
Best instruction ever: “Bring in your most flamboyant clock.”
Possible spin-off show idea: Speed-Plaiting with Sara Pascoe. (It’ll make sense when you watch the episode.)
Tuesday 4th October at 9pm on 5Star (CH 151)
Why you should watch: It’s the end of the world as we know it, and they feel fine. Well, actually they don’t. Which is just as well, ‘cos it would be boring if they did.
What’s the gist?: A big new drama about a family who fight to survive as civilisation is destroyed by natural disasters and supernatural monsters.
Sounds bonkers: It is. Expect to see fish raining from the sky, children turning into flesh-eating freaks, and sudden flying demon thingies. Yes.
Look out for: Former A-lister Anne Heche, clearly enjoying herself amid the madness.
Watch if: You think The Walking Dead is just a little too calm and subtle for your liking.
Thursday 6th October at 9pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: It’s still irresistible to see people who look like junior estate agents being barked at by an angry Sid James.
Scene-stealing body part of the week: One of the contestants has a monobrow that defies belief.
Rubbishest team names ever: “Titans” and “Nebula”? That’s bad even by Apprentice standards.
Best ridiculous contestant quote: “My way is its own separate superhighway.”
Second best ridiculous contestant quote: “I’m an emperor.”
Friday 7th October at 10pm on TLC (CH 167)
Why you should watch: This latest bonkers dating show follows two people as they look for love on an island. While naked.
How it works: There’s a main pair, and then new people arrive on the island in each episode, vying to be given a chance to stay on. Cue awkward connections and sexual skulduggery. While naked.
Are they actually, really, properly naked?: Yes.
Watch this if you like: Naked Attraction, Undressed, and any other romance-related show where people are naked.
Has the world gone mad?: Yes. While naked.
I’ve Got Something To Tell You
Monday 3rd October at 9pm on W (CH 125)
Why you should watch: It’s like First Dates, except instead of flirting, the people here confess earth-shattering, deeply personal revelations for us to gawp at. Fun!
How is it like First Dates?: Well, imagine a pretty room where people sit across from each other at tables, sort of awkward and sort of friendly, while cameras cut from person to person, recording every juicy moment.
What are they talking about?: Secrets, lies, assorted life-changing things. Some parts will be funny, other parts will have you blubbing.
Is Amanda Holden presenting it, for reasons nobody can guess at?: Why yes, yes she is.
Sucker punch of the episode: When the parents of a lad paralysed in a bike crash meet the paramedic who saved him. Have the hankies handy.
Tuesday 4th October at 10pm on E4 (CH 144)
Why you should watch: The uber-glossy, uber-cool drama returns for its third season. We’re uber-stoked.
I’ve never seen it, sum it up for me: A sort of hip hop Dallas. But better than that makes it sound.
Where are we at?: Hakeem’s been left standing at the altar, and either Anika or Rhonda has just been killed.
Which one? WHICH ONE?: You really expect us to spoil that for you here?
Badass quote of the week: “I’m done with God and His plans.”
Tuesday 4th October at 9pm on National Geographic (CH 266)
Why you should watch: It’s everything you always wanted to know about Vladimir Putin, but were afraid to ask.
Strong leader or real-life Bond villain?: This programme attemps to discover the truth, delving into the Russian strongman’s life.
How scary is he really?: Ask us after World War Three is over.
What to say: “A riveting portrait of one of the most divisive and charismatic figures on the world stage.”
What not to say: “How much do nuclear bunkers actually cost these days anyway?”
Anne Robinson’s Britain
Thursday 6th October at 8pm on BBC One (CH 101)
Why you should watch: Because who knew Anne Robinson was still a thing?
What’s she up to now?: Travelling around the UK, investigating life in 21st Century, in a show that seems to have been dreamt up by Alan Partridge.
First subject: Parenting. Yes, it’s a whole programme where Anne Robinson interrogates parents on parenting. We cannot wait.
Sobering serious revelation: Turns out, Anne’s own daughter was taken from her by court order when she was an infant.
Most Anne Robinsonian bit: When she asks a woman, “Would you call yourself an obedient wife?”
Friday 7th October on Netflix
Why you should watch: After a break, the first season of the comedy series about brothers running a ranch returns.
Who are these brothers?: They’re played by That ‘70s Show alumni Danny Masterson and Ashton Kutcher. Yep, that Ashton Kutcher.
Unlikely legendary co-stars alert: The show also stars Debra Winger, who was one of the biggest movie stars of the 80s, and silver-fox veteran of cowboy films Sam Elliott.
What to say: “I had no idea Ashton Kutcher could actually act.”
What not to say: “But it doesn’t quite make up for that terrible Steve Jobs film he was in.”
The Ranch is available to watch on Netflix from Friday 7th October
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