5 Movie superheroes Usain Bolt could beat (& how) | Virgin Media
5 Movie superheroes Usain Bolt could Beat (& how)

5 Movie superheroes Usain Bolt could beat (& how)

01/12/2016Movies

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Usain Bolt is a super-human. While we’ve yet to accurately, scientifically, medically prove it, his multiple world records and numerous Olympic Golds are enough to paint a super-heroic picture.

Documentary I Am Bolt (which you can watch right now on Virgin Movies) backs up our case, showing that through his past, present and future, he’s one of the friendliest, most endearing and downright talented athletes on the planet - not only now but, well, ever. With that in mind, join us as we run through five movie superheroes Bolt could conceivably (well, imaginatively) beat - and how.


Superman

Well we may as well start with the big guns, ay? The Man of Steel may have superhuman strength, flight, breath, hearing, vision and - yes - speed, but there are two other majorly limiting factors.

1. He has more than a few Achilles heels (kryptonite, red suns, Bryan Singer etc), and 2. He’s a massive sap for the ol’ human condition. It was a combination of the two that led to Superman’s defeat at the hands of none other than Muhammad Ali in 1978’s completely mad DC Comics one-off issue ‘Superman vs Muhammad Ali’.

Who’s the greatest?

Who’s the greatest?

Throw Bolt into the same situation, with Supes depowered due to a lack of yellow sun, and throw in some motivation regarding Bolt’s family (or orphans, kittens, or anything similarly weepsome) and Kal-El’s always going to come off worse.

 

Hit Girl

We don’t care how brilliantly violent, totally nutso and completely, well, kick-ass she is, we refuse to believe that in a 1-on-1 kerfuffle, Hit-Girl would be able to keep up with Bolt.

Sure, she can run up walls, and if she gets out a gattling gun, he’s probably out of luck, but if we pin things down to two very realistic factors - Bolt’s bonkers speed and Hit-Girl’s ridiculous kryptonite for awful, product-placement-heavy X Factor bands (as below), and all it’d take is a copy of Just 17 for him to win the day.


Scarlet Witch

Sure, Wanda Maximoff is one of the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s most powerful heroes, but it’s not hard to see how Bolt could win the day. We know it’s brutal, but the sheer fact that her incredibly close, super-speedster of a brother was murdered is enough to trigger all manner of PTSD flashbacks when Bolt runs onto the scene, and in the process destroy her already fragile mental state.


Hawkeye

If Avengers: Age of Ultron taught us anything, it’s that Clint Barton’s family life is more important than any number of world-saving shenanigans.

Still, Bolt is charm personified. Put him in a room with Barton and his friendly family, and it’ll be ten minutes before Bolt’s making them guffaw and inviting him over to dinner. A couple of courses (and bottles of wine) down, and with their guard down, it’d take mere seconds for Bolt to ‘bolt’ out the room, grab Barton’s bow and run out into the surrounding woodland to hide it. Then it’s just a matter of running literal circles around Barton until he’s disorientated and out the game.


Cat-Woman

2004’s superbly naff superhero spin-off is widely renowned as one of the worst movies ever made - and for good, amazingly cringe-worthy reason. Avoiding the fact she never really demonstrates any truly super-powered skills of note (we’ll happily let you correct us), and focus purely on the fact that she’s a superhero DISTRACTED BY CATNIP, and it doesn’t take a genius to surmise that it’s not going to take anything other than planning for Bolt to run in, pick her up, throw her in a room filled with Catnip and then lock the doors.

I Am Bolt is available now on Virgin Movies.  Find it in On Demand > Movies > New This Week