Are you surrounded by more cars than you ever thought possible? Is everything incredibly loud and unlikely? Don't panic. Breathe deep. There's a good chance you're currently trapped in a Fast & Furious movie. If you want to know for sure, check our ten dead giveaways below: sure signs indeed that you are caught up in a Fast and/or Furious shenanigan. But to be absolutely safe, step away from any automobiles in your nearby vicinity...
1. You have somehow become invulnerable to harm
Here's a simple test. If you were to jump out a fourth storey window and land on a car roof right now, would you be able to walk away from it? How about if you drove your car into a head-on collision with another car, would you still be cracking jokes five minutes after escaping from the wreckage? If the answer to these questions is yes, and you're pretty sure you could use your big baldy head as a battering ram and not feel any pain, then there are two likely outcomes: you are either in a Terminator movie or a Fast & Furious movie.
2. People who aren't related to you keep insisting that they are your family
These people you surround yourself with, day in, day out: do they have a habit of referring to your group as 'family'? Not just once, but repeatedly? Like, every eight minutes? And even though none of you are even slightly related by blood or even marriage, does your 'family' insist that 'family' is the most important thing and 'family' is worth dying for? Family family family? These men and women are not your family, they're just your mates. Some of them were literally trying to kill you a few movies ago. You're either in Dominic Torretto's crew, or you're in a cult.
3. A disproportionate number of your colleagues are wearing vests
You've never really paid much attention to what your colleagues wear, but look around you. One, two, thr- yes, we're right aren't we? Vests, everywhere. String vests. Leather vests. Lady vests. Figure-hugging athletic style man-vests. Why is everyone wearing vests? This is not a new fashion thing you missed out on. This is not snapback hats all over again. There's a very real chance you are ensconced in a Fast & Furious-esque situation, where men need to wear upper-body clothing to let their pecs breathe. Do not be tempted to wear a vest yourself. You cannot pull it off.
4. Some hacking is going on
The warning signs are clear so far. If our calculations are correct, and you are in fact in a Fast & Furious movie, then someone somewhere is hacking something. It doesn't matter what. Probably some government project that fell into the wrong hands. It'll have a cool name like 'Black Eagle' or 'Thunder Chrome' or whatever. But either someone good or someone bad is hacking it. Maybe they're hacking each other. Are you being hacked right now? Do you have hacking defence? Hack back. Hack the hacker. Hack your way back to reality. For the love of God, JUST HACK SOMETHING.
5. People keep challenging you to street races
Weird one, right? Lately, lots of ancillary characters have been approaching you in the streets and challenging you to a street race. The first time was fun, but now it's like, every few weeks, right? Sometimes you just want to pop to the shop for bread and milk without having to drag race the local bad boy. We know, your record of street races is flawless, and you're keeping alive the culture from which you came, staying strong to your roots, yada yada. Be honest: it just seems a little... surplus to requirements these days, doesn't it?
6. Every lady you encounter is basically a swimsuit model
Do a quick spot check of the females in your orbit. Reminder: you are not at a Maxim shoot. Not all women walk around in swimsuits all day. Everywhere you go, the local girls turn up in droves, dancing in slow-motion around your car and smiling with perfect teeth. It might sound amazing, but honestly, living like you're in a 2 Live Crew music video is not all it's cracked up to be.
7. When you need to, you can always drive that little bit faster
When you're in a high speed race, which we've established happens a lot, do you frequently find gears you never knew your car had? What is this... sixth gear? That's not even a thing. Also not normal: suddenly realising your accelerator pedal has hidden depths, and that by *really* putting your foot down you can pull an extra speed boost out of the bag. CARS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY. Step away from the Nos. Nos can't save you every time, it's just not healthy.
8. You keep encountering increasingly large vehicles
Last week it was the oil truck. Then it was the tank. Then was the whole thing with the exploding airplane on the runway. And now, what's all this talk about a nuclear submarine? Do you see a pattern forming here? Your life is one big attempt to one-up itself. Don't believe me? Let's see how long it is before you're pulling a wheelie with a monster truck on the roof of a bullet train. it's only a matter of time before you're leaving skidmarks on the International Space Station. You'll see.
9. Everyone talks in such terrible dialogue
Trigger warning: do the members of your 'family' (reminder: your mates) constantly talk in short and snappy platitudes? Are they always saying worldly and wise things like "I live my life a quarter-mile at a time" and staring off into the distance? Do they talk like dumb people trying to talk like smart people? Are they always relying on car metaphors and are their car metaphors awful and almost always non-applicable to the situation? Do you cringe every time they open their mouths? Do you just sometimes agree to rob banks and stuff with them just so the ceaseless banter will end?
10. Jason Statham is trying to kill you
Right. Big red flag. You really should have led with this. If Jason Statham is trying to kill you, you are almost certainly in a Fast & Furious movie. We're, like, 80% sure. Stay calm. Jason Statham tries to kill a lot of people. The good news is you're in a 12A movie so if you do get your head kicked in you won't see any blood. You have two options: you can attempt to distract Jason Statham with jangly things and dancing like a rodeo clown, or you can just wait it out under a big pile of coats and assume that eventually he'll probably become part of your 'family'.
Rent Fast & Furious 8 on Virgin Movies now. Find it in Movies On Demand > Virgin Movies. Cert 12. Also available in HD
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