Wedding Bells mean one thing. And that's stress. Is there a social event that's more anxiety-filled? What to wear, what to say, who to talk to? And that's just the guests. Luckily, the cinema has all the answers. And with Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates RSVPing onto Sky Cinema this week, we look at the best advice that the movies have to give. You are cordially invited… to some of the best wedding films ever....
Do…make new friends (Table 19, 2017)
The wedding table chart is a brutally clear visualisation of your place in the social circle, so when you find yourself dining furthest away from the happy couple on Table 19 with Anna Kendrick’s jilted Eloise and a bunch of other rejects, you can safely say that neither your presents or presence were required today. But, when life gives you lemons, chop em up and stick them in a VAT-load of gin and have a good time with your new buds anyway.
Don’t… get out of hand (Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, 2017)
“The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! No, it is literally on fire, and we actually need to evacuate immediately.” We know a wedding is a good excuse for a shindig but don’t get too stupid. Exhibit A: Mike and Dave Stangle, who on the official sliding Party Scale are less ‘busting a move’ and more ‘accidentally burning down a house’.
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates is available on Sky Cinema from Friday 9th June
Do… dance badly (Bridesmaids, 2011)
The wedding dance floor contains no judgement, it is one big circle of trust that is singing along to Come on Eileen and doing a misjudged can-can. So get your boogie boots on and start tearing up the floor to those songs that fill your heart with drunken joy. Especially if, like for Bridesmaids’ Annie and newly-wed bestie Lillian, it is Wilson Phillips’ uber-blousey fem-anthem Hold On. And extra points if you can get them to do it in person. Air drumming: always a strong look.
Don’t… be a hater (My Best Friend’s Wedding, 1997)
There’s always one at every wedding, shooting green eyes of blazing jealous fury at the happy people. Well, we don't care if you were the one that was supposed to marry the groom – and we're looking at you Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding – because the Misery Guest always ends the night being single and probably stuck hanging out with Rupert Everett.
My Best Friend's Wedding is available now on Sky Cinema
Do… avoid your ex like the plague (Four Weddings and a Funeral, 1994)
Ooooh awks. In a close circle of pals, everyone's likely to have ‘bumped’ into each other once of twice along the way, which inevitably makes the big wedding catch up a few years down the line a mortifying minefield. Charlie in Four Weddings and a Funeral size-nines it on a beauty when his broken-hearted duck-faced ex rolls into view. Booom!
Four Weddings and a Funeral is available now on Sky Cinema
Don’t… get killed (Kill Bill Vol 2, 2004)
It’s called a shotgun wedding for a reason. The unfortunates who RSVP’d to the nuptials of Kill Bill’s Mrs Tommy Plimpton (aka Arlene Machiavelli aka Beatrix Kiddo aka Black Mamba) find themselves turning up to a funeral instead: their own, courtesy of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. They really did not take their non-invitation very well.
Kill Bil: Volume 2 is available now on Sky Cinema
Don’t… hook up with a Wedding Crasher (Wedding Crashers, 2005)
Beware any guests you don’t know making balloon animals for kids (‘so sweet’), or wearing a purple heart (‘so brave’) or blubbing during the ceremony (‘so open-hearted’), because those guys have done their math: ‘Massive emotions plus romantic vulnerability multiplied by booze equals easy pickings.’ Wedding Crashers’ charming/creepy Jeremy and John are sharking this year’s marriage season and these boys can smell blood.
Do… impose on the bride’s father (The Godfather, 1972)
“No Sicilian can ever refuse a request on his daughter's wedding day.” The Godfather embedded this (apocryphal) old custom into the public’s consciousness, so today’s the day to ask for the sort of favour that only a particularly well-connected Wise Guy can provide – money, advancement, maybe knee-capping a rival. But beware that it will have biiiig strings attached… probably around your neck.
The Godfather is available now on Sky Cinema
Don’t… injure the bride (Meet The Parents, 2000)
If you're so keen to make a good impression on your prospective father-in-law while attending his other daughter’s big day, we'd strongly advise against breaking the bride-to-be's nose in an over-competitive game of water polo. Meet the Parent’s hapless Gaylord Focker can consider that circle of trust well and truly broken.
Meet The Parents is available now on Sky Cinema
Do… a good speech (Rachel Getting Married, 2008)
When giving a toast, getting the tone right is important. “I am Shiva the destroyer, your harbinger of doom this evening,” is not doing that. Rachel Getting Married’s disaster-zone Kym uses her microphone moment to work through her 12-stepping personal issues. She doesn’t drop the mic, but she certainly leaves a few jaws on the floor. (See also The Wedding Singer.)
Don’t… get into a fight (The Princess Bride, 1987)
“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya...” Alright, a drunken punch-up at a wedding is pretty much a given, but If you do have to get into a scrap, it's extremely advisable to not do so with a huge rhyming giant and a Spanish swordsman with an over-developed sense of vengeance. The guests at Prince Humperdinck’s extremely brief marriage to Princess Buttercup certainly seem to regret it.
Do… go along with the drama (Mamma Mia! 2009)
The movie wedding is basically just one aisle march away from panto, filled with drama, shocks and thrills for the guests in the pews as well as the audience watching at the cinema, so get ready for audience participation. Mamma Mia! is a classic, seeing not only Sophie and Sky’s wedding get called off at the alter (“Gasp!)”, the semi-resolution of the who’s Sophie’s dad question (“Ooooh!”) and then the last-minute marriage of Donna and straining-face Sam (“Ahhhh!”). And then everyone sings an Abba tune (“I-do-I-do-I-do..!”).
Mamma Mia is available on Netflix