With Michael Fassbender's rip-roaring adventure Assassin's Creed available on demand from Virgin Movies right now, it's the perfect time to get to grips with your own reality. Could you be living an existence whereby you're the star of a movie based on a video game? It's not uncommon. Get a hold of yourself. Do you feel blocky, like you're made out of 8-bits? You're literally a video game character. Do you share traits with that video game character but you appear to be, on the surface at least, a real flesh-and-blood person? Let's investigate: you could be Fassbending your reality in a big-budget adaptation of a popular button-basher. Look for these signs...
The story of your adventure presumably makes sense to someone, but not to you
So you're a guy, or a girl, on a cool adventure. Great! How fun! What's the story? Oh, it's... er, well, it's like this: there's this evil... something about an ancient war between... um, what was it again? Oh, never mind, it doesn't matter. It's complicated. Overly complicated, you might say. You don't really know where you're going or why, but you are confident that all of this nonsense means something to someone. It has to! Remember when everything stopped earlier to obliquely reference someone's name, or a thing, a definite thing? Yeah, no idea what that was about, but everyone seemed very excited.
Lots of jumping is required of you, certainly more jumping than could be considered normal
Weird one, this. It seems like the activity required of you on your adventure is varied enough – talk to this guy, go to this place, shoot this gun, drive this car – but every once in a while, you have to do a bit of jumping. Not much jumping, but notable jumping all the same. Precision jumping. What's that about? Think about it. How often would you jump in an average day. Less than once, maybe? And how many times have you jumped today? That's right. Loads. Loads of jumping. That's not normal.
Every time you approach a door, a silent voice in your head screams 'Press X to open door' and you don't know why
Okay, this is definitely not normal. You are an adult, you play by your own rules, you're a maverick, you follow no man. Except every time you stand in front of a door, it's as if you hear a silent scream in your head and you can see the words 'Press X to open door' in your mind's eye, as if some celestial force is guiding you through the doorway to the next bit of adventure. You were definitely going to go through that door anyway, right? Definitely. Now, just push R2 to examine that clue and let's think no more of it.
Everyone is talking in really weird dialogue
Why is it all 'The Tri-Force can't take this sort of transmogrification without a complete reversal of its polarity' and stuff like that? Everyone talks in grand soliloquies but no one just stops to chat. And the jokes? There's no time for humour on this adventure!
Your adventure is strictly PG
Don't get us wrong, there are big scary spectacular things happening, with the robots and the assassins and the ninja guys doing their... ninja stuff. But come to think of it, it's not exactly an X-rated adventure, is it? You've not seen anyone actually die, for real, with blood and guts and that. No one is swearing, not properly anyway. There's certainly no sex to be had by anyone. If you had to put an age bracket on people who would enjoy this adventure, you'd estimate that 12-year-olds would be the core audience, or perhaps even younger kids as long as they were accompanied by an adult. It would hit all four quadrants, whatever they are.
Everything feels slightly familiar, like you've died a hundred times before while experiencing it, perhaps in past lives, but ones which you watched from a distance, a detached existence, swirling into the void
Yeah, definitely this. That gunfight you just strolled through on the first go, without taking a bullet. It's crazy how you knew exactly when to hide behind those pillars, right? You thought it might be just luck, but search the empty echoes of your memories and it almost feels like you've walked that line before. You recoil from a bullet in your chest, but touch the wound and it's disappeared. Blink. You're back at the start. Again. But it's clearer this time. The bullets seem almost slower. And again, slower each time, until you know all possible outcomes and emerge unscathed. Thank goodness someone left a first aid kit lying on the floor halfway through.
Your adventure ends with a hint of more to come but no one's really sure at the moment
You did it! You defeated the aliens or zombies or whatever! And oh look, it's what's-his-face, the well-paid and familiar looking guy, back for another appearance to deliver some more grave exposition. It turns out... there's potential for more adventure! Possibly, in the future, perhaps!
If you stop and think about it, your adventure would probably make quite a fun video game
It's funny, with all the running and precision jumping and driving and shooting and piloting of space rockets, some entertainment company could make a really rollocking video game out of this adventure. There were so many themed environments you journeyed through, just like in video games! Your intermittent action sequences would translate perfectly to consoles! They could even get A-list actors to do the voiceovers for the exposition guys! It's actually alarming how closely recent events paralleled the story beats and structure of a video game adventure! Crazy! Just crazy.