Big Fat Lie
Theoretically, Dappy should really be the British Eminem.
The N-Dubz man's solo debut finds our own skinny white-boy rapper spitting vitriol at an impressive sweep of targets, from MPs ("I call them Maximum Profits") to paparazzi to Made In Chelsea to, inevitably, haters. So why is it impossible to take him seriously?
The answer is that his numerous clownish antics (issuing death threats to a Radio 1 listener; being kicked out of Alton Towers) have made him a credibility-free figure of fun. When his recent single Rockstar found him whining: "They say I'm dangerous", your instinctive mental reaction was, "No, they say you're a bit of a berk."
This lack of gravitas bedevils this utterly generic, predictable, dreary record. His declared intention to "grab Cameron by the neck" triggers a weary raised eyebrow: when he lambasts "them ringtone rappers" on F*** Them, it's impossible not to counter, "Well, what do you think you are, mate?"
Just for good measure, he also empathises with Chris Brown, compares himself to Kurt Cobain, and unleashes the priceless, beyond-parody rhyme: "I'm just a man with a visa / I used to know Tulisa." Congratulations to Dappy: he's unwittingly made the comedy record of the year.