This was Mr Sheepskin's shock reaction when handed the reins as the new England boss

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In the same week I turned down a big money approach from the producers at 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!' I can reveal a campaign has begun in earnest to install me as England's next coach.

I can see exactly why and how a pressure group has been formed to force me to preside over the national team. Deep down in this country people care about the things that really matter. And football is part of the very fabric of our society, a fabric that deserves to be washed with an expensive conditioner. I can be that conditioner, given the right conditions.

Everyone in England from cab drivers to hairdressers (nothing wrong in that) think they can coach their country to success, whereas the stark reality of the situation is completely different. As Steve McClown has subsequently found out.

The job requires tactical acumen, a football brain ,and perhaps most importantly, the complete absence of any role occupied by the venerable Terry Venables.

I believe I can supply and apply several theories that will help the FA make their minds up on the issues that really matter. For example, if all the people in China raised their arms around the equator half of them would probably die.

Watch Mr Sheepskin - the voice of the people

Nobody watches more Premier games than I do. Not even Sven in the days when he appeared to attend every other Premiership match taking place. It was me who broke the story that it was actually six different blokes wearing Sven masks and not Sven himself. He was probably canoodling with Nancy at the time or Ulrika or…anyone.

My honest, no nonsense, tell-it-how-it-is approach is widely respected by the public at large. But what, I hear you ask, would I do differently to Steve McClaren if handed the England reins?

Bet on the next England manager.

Here is Sheepskin's Six-Point Plan for Success:

1. Meet with Paul Robinson and tell him he is no longer in my plans
2. Meet with David Beckham and ask him how much that 100th cap really means to him. I mean financially.
3. Ensure we play a fast paced Premiership type game at Wembley.
4. Issue all the fans at Wembley with old style rattles to whip up an intimidating atmosphere.
5. Give Pompey's David Nugent a run up front alongside a fit Wayne Rooney.
6. I would not have a number two. They invariably confuse the players. One team one boss. The current set up is more confusing than Ulrika Jonsson's place come Father's Day.

All the best sports fans,

Mr Sheepskin

PS: I've been badgered to ask you to join my Facebook group (what is this interweb thing anyway?) - just search for 'Sheepskin'...

15 November 2007